Saturday, 14 June 2008



Oi Oi, Calm it, this ain’t some loner hearts guide in how to deceive Koreans into having sexualness with you. Being foreign, knowing relatively no Korean, attempting to coerce one into actually understanding your advances is like seeing Barry Chuckle in an anti wrinkle advert, unlikely. And for the record saying “ho chi wa wa long time” only works in Vietnam.

For straight men there are no boobies in Korea. You will not find the promotion, viewing, depiction or highlighting of either of them, it’s like Korean women are androgenous from the waist up. But boobs are so dated, bore ring. What’s in are leggys. Yeah those two walky things are Korean womens' whit woo assets.

For women, have you ever seen a man on the street and thought. “He’s gorgeous
if only he wore a range of shiny suits and maybe slicked back his 80’s businessman type haircut he’d be mine.” Ladies, welcome to the Eden project.

Gay people, expect to be confused. Men love touching each other, they like showering together but the vast majority are straight, well allude to be. Lesbi’s are in disguise, but they're there, but just as subtle as seeing puce in a rave.

The moment your pale deep veined thrombered legs slope out onto the polished marble world class airport with a working Terminal five you’ll feel special, power ranger special. You realise, this is a nation who still believes dragons exist. You to them are like a dragon. Powerful and with unknown abilities, although you’ll soon find they might treat you like a mosquito, deadly and completely irritating.

3, 2, 1, Fight !
People in the world make anything fight each other. Cocks, horses, dogs and Americans, all feel the need to defend their territory normally if humans antagonise them. Dogs are the most vicious of fighters. Koreans understand this. That’s why they avoid the whole conflict and eat them.

Koreans don’t like much near them. North Korea and South Korea both have a mile deep of borders and a mile of frustrated eager soldiers waiting for the day they can stab that staring mother fucker right between his slighty more slittier than mine, eyes. China in a gesture of good will sends “deadly toxic dust clouds” over most of Western Korea for three months every year killing an average of 76 people, cos they're China.

Politically China's Communist Leader and North Korea’s Dictator don’t see eye to eye with South Korea’s Conservative, Capitalist, U.S. sympathising Government. Some would argue they want everyone to learn English just to piss China off. It's not even English, they spell aeroplane airplane, and correct you for writing it, like your passport reads Nationality: Mongaloid. And every Thursday those American fighter jets jettison and career overhead practicing their manoeuvres, yes practicing, for?

Where the fuckinachi?
Buy a GPS cos everywhere is anywhere. Picture being eternally lost in an unimaginative computer game called ‘Concrete Quest.’ There must have one very lazy, very rich architect who’s literally that busy the only thing he can do is point his worn down hook at this one cuboid housing block he constructed in his 4 minutes of free time entirely out of a box of dull cakes. It’s like giving Stephen Hawkins the key to Step City, a waste of key making materials.

Intelligent design
The Korean government are forward thinkers. Some bright spark at the internal affairs office realised that instead of buying costly street sweepers they could just use bored middle aged women. Thusly every Korean mother or aunt is bowlegged, shaped like a question mark and smells of bins. But those street corners, wow.

The Korean Government is the only country outside of Saudi Arabia building tertiary so called "ubiquitous" cities in a peroid of world economic slowdown and recession. It has the belief Global companies will somehow desire to relocate in there droves while cutting back on everything else. The Korean think their slowing economy will grow faster and that the whole world does not affect them. And that said world will not be laughing at their brand new empty office blocks and their soon to be bankrupt nation, Noooo way.

Oh my ___
One thing you expect to feel safe about is the abundance of Jesus and his bland army of sheep. But due of the oppression of nations and government over the South Korean population, missionaries’ bright idea to play the salvation card worked. A third of the population is now Christian and rising. It’s actually fashionable to be Christian. Being woken up at eight in the morning by a coupla Jehovah’s witnesses who trawler on bout good old god, in Korean is beyond the absurd, worst is, their magazines don’t change. They got the same one’s since I was seven, I’ve heard all the jokes before. The kicker is Atheist and Agnostic can’t be translated so your stuck with them. The good thing is you can tell them apart from the crowd. They have a big magazine bag, smile inanely and hang about like scallies waiting to prey on the unsuspecting ‘haven’t found him yet’ crowd.

C’mon Buddhists I know it’s against your mantra but sell a few gold Buddha’s and do some ads, get on TV. No one is safe, they’ll find that mount you pray on and you know you’ll end up breaking that pacification pact.

Work it
Thought your job works you hard? The last forty odd years Koreans have been working six and seven-day weeks, due to the various (Japanese are bastards) regimes. You’d think by now they’re all sitting back with gigantic opium pipes nursing continent sized calluses. No no no no no, not content in seeing their grandparents look like skeletor and their Mum's like punctuation. They, the youth themselves are working at overpopulating and over producing everything simply because of seeing what their uneducated families have done and what their peers are blindly doing. And they’re not on drugs and this is a democracy and they don’t have to send their kids to school seven days a week; so that they truly hate education, grow up stilted, institutionalised and devoid of childhood abandonment. But they do, and they’re not on drugs. You just wish someone would slap them real hard with a 12 piece sofa of calm the fuck down.

Our Land
When Korean, be suspicious of anyone who looks like you but isn’t Korean. Because Korea is Hitler’s super race idea without the need for propaganda or gassings. Here it’s a giant narcissism convention, and your not invited.

Knowing this, Koreans don’t much like foreigners. They realise foreigners bring drugs into their country, get drunk and rowdy, sleep with their proud mono-cultured population and can’t understand a word they say. They are starting to realise that every foreigner isn’t a lager lout or an American soldier and if you smile or nod they will respond affectionately back.

A different face is a novelty like seeing Spiderman walk down your street. The first Spiderman you see you’ll be shocked and curious to why Spiderman is here. But after a few Spidermen are seen constructing webs while a regular Spiderman drinks at your bar. And last week a couple of Spidermen were in your supermarket getting confused whether something’s cod guts or dog cock. Now there’s a Spiderman teaching your kid spider-glish. You’d eventually end up accepting Spiderman and treat them like just another Batman.

Taking your gentleman out in the street is a national pastime along with flemmy bowel retching. It’s genetic, any attempts by westerners to replicate this will be filled with a self consciousness worse than eyeing up your Grans knickers while she smiles encouragingly.

For a nation supposedly not on drugs they seem at ends to whimsy everything up. Romantic crabs with flowers, Chef pigs eating pigs. Statisically the drug of choice here is crystal meth, arghhhHHHHHHH. And the main users, some 7% are, wait for it, farmers. Yes Farmer Wong is blazing his meth pipe waiting for his crop to bud while his brain dissolves and his cheeks sink into caves.

Hey up cock
In Korea certain elements of society are still in the 1950’s. Respecting elders is the law. Last week The Korean Times reported about this Korean actor that slapped this old man (he was mouthing off at him) but the old man wanted a bit more. Grabbed hold of his car and the actor dragged him down the road. That actor had to go get down on his knees in public and told everyone he doesn’t want to live, he is ashamed and appalled and actually cried for forgiveness, magic.

Mod cons
Lucky enough to have a garden. No, no, you have a vegetable patch. You won’t find pretty gardens but you will find oddly shaped root vegetables that you wouldn’t know whether to varnish or run from.

Get a car that’s either stupidly small or gratuitously oversized for your needs. Upgrade the horn get a sat nav and stare at that throughout your journey oblivious to the litany of accidents you create.

HD Mega TV is what every aspirational Korean needs. It's irony in your living room, it's not mega, like a bad freeview but everything you select you have to load, in about as much the same way a ZX Spectrum did but slower and less musical. But it doesn’t matter cos TV makes no sense, like watching ITV on a Saturday night.

You what!?
Being in an odd place you have to adjust, or die. Things that Korea doesn’t have which non Koreans won’t miss are:

Scallies, a seemingly endless formality of paperwork, unreliable transport system, reluctance to change, the reinventions of bad pop music, feeling skint, the Royal family, celebrities, drunk obnoxious piss heads, eye annoying advertising and dodge weather.

Things that you will miss:

Salt and vinegar crisps, teabags, being able to understand what everyone is babbling on about, friends, roast dinners, chewy sweets, not eating rice every meal, good pillows and things making sense.

Yes Koreans are crazy, irrational, stupid and on one. But, buuuuuut at least their not American.


Paul A. Kroll said...

I love how you satirically broke down an entire country in a few paragraphs... something I couldn't bring myself to do in a year of blogging. "But at least they're not American?" Buuuut where would you be without those witty Power Ranger and Spiderman references?
One last note: Koreans men eat dog (along with everything else) for stamina, and no other reason.

Big White Barbie said...

Not being able to understand what everyone is babbling on about is a blessing.

betchay said...

nice post... i actually read it from top to bottom!

Paul A. Kroll said...

I enjoyed your post and laughed out loud while reading it. But since I lived in Korea and loved it for a year I'm a little sensitive to see someone satirize it. It's a good article though, don't get me wrong, but people should also know you can live a great life there...if you're not a boob man.

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