funny

HOW DO YOU DO...

FUNNY

Ha, ha ha?

ha-ha HA!

A ha & aha, ha ha.

Huh?

The funniuns



Comedians are funny unless they wear goggles and insert the word ‘Chubby’ into their mundane name, like erm Mr Roy Brown. So complete it spells Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, just to clarify ROY CHUBBY BROWN IS NOT FUNNY. Saying that, fat people are hilarious. The retarded are accidentally, so funny. Foreign people who can’t speak our language, “I cun’t open fist.” Mental people seem to be designed specifically for our benefit and should be placed at really boring and emotionally extreme points in your life for insanity relief. Fascists are disgustingly entertaining to the point of making you want to join the ‘cock fighting collective’ just to spend time with these unbelievable characters. Whereas fundamentalists are deadly shockingly comedy cum-corks willing you to pop them.



Laughable



Try to emulate these groups, take up full-time Cat Slaying. On your travels to slay the biggest bitch name every human being 'pop-chops' while walking on your elbows.



Jokes



D'you know the one about the dog in a pub and a pint of piss, no, I don’t either. Jokes like this have a surreal nature, playing on distinct stereotypes and do include penetration and/or your mum.



Your mum jokes are used by people who spend a lot of time on Teken 4 playing their stoned friend and laughing inanely on the way they can repeat Americans who play too much Teken 5 while smoking crack.



Knock knock jokes are told by your Gran.



Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. This is a joke designed by Welsh people. It pokes fun at the Irish and Scotch ultimately blaming the English because of their lack of defining stereotypical behaviour other than stupidity and overall lunacy devoid of even a basic understanding over their rented, begrudging, Empire.



Jokes about famous people who have recently died or being sexually abused, murdered or are afflicted with some disability of terminal like infliction always come with a warning of ‘I don’t know about this one’ which in itself is a lie. The result is always this strange ‘owwwhh’ noise that neither validates it’s humour, makes the listener happy he heard it and leaves both individuals with a uncomfortable (last night I think I accidentally masturbated in a synced rhythm to you and your girlfriend fucking) silence.



Racists jokes are lovingly told like accurate straight laced statements of fun that just so happen to be a liiiittle bit prejudice against a minority population who they don’t understand and extol any differences to make them inferior without cause or justification. These jokes are concluded with a jiggling potbelly.



Dress



Those amusing t-shirts with “dyslexics are teople poo or I’m good in bed (I can sleep forever)” are only to be worn if you fancy sipping a pint of mild with barstools and oxygen. Funny looking people generally have wardrobes that resemble tatty fancy dress shops. Every morning they turn the light off and run around their shelter and anything that sticks to their sweat coated torso is a wear-wear tack-tack.





Audience



The best audience isn’t your friends. There is always a funny one in your friend group that manages to say something succinct and witty at precisely the same moment your brain tries to muster something it might retort that gets you out of the funny ones onslaught to your statement that slave workers are just fucking ungrateful badly-dressed wannabe bastards.



Docile giggling buffoons are what you’re aiming for. Remember to note that these people laughed for nine hours when Graham Norton said ‘mmm these are nice’ while eating a packet of salted nuts and regard Jim Davidson as a social commentator.





Performance



Like the large gypsy women who shouts foreign slurs if you don’t pay for her and her child to live for free, to Tod Touch, who touches everything in some intricate, planned out stage play while raping Bing Crosby’s back catalogue. You have to start with some sort of grossly embarrassing but confident comedy performance. Create an unscripted scene and act it out in a scene, making a scene while a scene watches in shock and ore, observe the Iraq War.



Er



I fucking hate errr’s. They’re the most commonly used word among comedians. “...n the doctor said, fingered? why yes, errrrrrrrrrrr and the blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah.” Punctuate like Chris Morris, Pause like Bill Hicks, stream like Ross Noble, don’t errrr like this list of comedians that I just can’t be arsed to research into listing because they don’t deserve my time _______ _______, ___ _______, ______ __, _______ __________.



Err’s are bad punctuation, needlessly filling a quite happily empty space, a reflective space. Because if you’re funny, having the necessary pauses in dialogue makes people think your that little bit deeper a slight more worthy of attention than you actually probably are. Which doesn’t matter because your getting the attention errrrrr, what about “hmmmmm,” or “that bit was completely jihad but…”



The show must go on



No it shouldn’t. Just because you want to be funny, in it’s sad, honest, eagerness does not make you funny. You can’t buy or learn timing. You can hone a talent that’s already there, you can’t just invent it because some women on Facebook said that she likes funny men. Or that everyone seems to like Russell Brand at the moment and I’m not very attractive and haven’t got much style and my hair’s thin, ginger and curly, I’m shit at taking drugs and I’m a dwarf with spot boils, right what’s left, well death with the slight recumbence that at least you're not one of those people who THINKS he’s funny.

temping

HOW DO YOU DO...

temping

Unemployed and skint?

Getting too much appreciation?

Desire powdered milk?

Office temp, office temp!

Requirements
Be overqualified, uneducated, uninspiring, thankless, jobless, strange, slow, in-between two things, committed to something important or committed to nothing. The thing is, if you don’t become this, you’ll realise everyone around you has, and that doesn’t keep you warm when one of the strange ones opens all the windows because he’s a bit sweaty, in January, at the cold storage warehouse, just after he bought us all ice creams, with flakes.

Agencies
Generally when you go to a job agency they exhibit a rather simplistic rage of feelings exchanged between hapless dole scum and tormented recruitment consultant. Usually when you walk into a job agency you are greeted with Type 1 recruitment consultant. “Hiiiiiii, well if you just take a seat Debbie will love to help you, well done thank you, I’m sure we can find some work for you, this will be perfect for you, ohh that’s an interesting course, great I’ll give you a ring today, bye x x bye.

I never got used to this type. It stems from being forced to continually smile when serving fat fucking idiots their whopper meals and knowing that disingenuous “enjoy your meal” will come back to torment me, I have deep scars.

The easiest to take is Type 2 that of contemptuous derogatory. This, as it implies consists of brutal insinuations about abilities and formalities while treating you like you’ve not walked beyond your own street alone and you can’t comprehend what office wear is.

The great thing is no lies, all-negative, well maybe some lies, but in fairness it’s comfortable, reassuring and predominately fucking useless.

Training
Generally an office worker’s core abilities if wrote would read like an under educated wrote computer game manual: Continually press enter while keeping your eye out for any errors, delete errors, advance to final screen, collect bonus codes to boost personal goal score, test question, answer ‘completed level 1’, use left and right direction keys avoiding any red urgents, open up Coralmax, go into your Coralmax, find the box, open the box, get the key give the key to Maureen and end.

Day to day
Expect to be treated with largely the same unjustified contempt as cleaners. Essentially shiting and pissing over anything you’ve cleaned off just to show their amount of knowledge over your own badly trained largely self taught incite into the world of crate management. You will soon realise despite doing the same job, a permenent worker receives many more perks than oneself. It’ll start small and end up in infuriating regularity. Getting as petty as you have to paying for coffee while permanents guzzle free to being denied bonuses, days off, staff parties your not invited to, cards to use the lifts so as to further separate your role you have to endure the daily embarrassment of not being trusted with a piece of plastic and have to ring the bell and wait for someone who does the same job to eventually, begrudgingly let you in.

Expect your friendly recruitment consultant to pop in to check your not fucking up and negotiate a higher cut off your wage, until they get bored of even making the trip and in many instances when you ring up to check you’ve been paid, patently forget who the hell you are.


Where?
As a rule, agencies take great lengths to put you in a place the furthermost reaches from your house, that you can only reach on a: 4:30am alarm, a 20 min hard shoulder bike ride and two filthy crammed buses. You will be tired, and in a strange area where there are no shops other than a butty van containing two, loud, fat, mole-ridden mothers offering only fried and dripping things. Subsequently you will also feel alone. You will wonder just why you’re there, believing that the absurd mundanity of your job implies that this is all just an elaborate non sensicle role set up by your mum for a new show on ITV 7 called What a Twat, sorry What a Desperate Twat.


Bye

Don’t expect to get a weeks notice, a day if your lucky. Often they can’t even waste their breath on you, and send a group email ten minutes before you leave decreeing your departure.

Oh and your friends, you know those people taking a cut of your wages and not filling out your tax forms so it seems some weeks you were better off on benefits, yes your agency staff who tell you that if you want to keep the job and get anymore work with them you have to do weekends, yes whose saints, when you finish your position have seemingly gone to heaven and been replaced by strangers who don’t know who you are, haven’t got any work for you, and couldn’t give a shit what jobs they promised they’d give you when your job finished. Yes them, they do send Christmas cards.