Sunday, 20 January 2008



Ha, ha ha?
ha-ha HA!
A ha & aha, ha ha.


The funniuns

Comedians are funny unless they wear goggles and insert the word ‘Chubby’ into their mundane name, like erm Mr Roy Brown. So complete it spells Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, just to clarify ROY CHUBBY BROWN IS NOT FUNNY. Saying that, fat people are hilarious. The retarded are accidentally, so funny. Foreign people who can’t speak our language, “I cun’t open fist.” Mental people seem to be designed specifically for our benefit and should be placed at really boring and emotionally extreme points in your life for insanity relief. Fascists are disgustingly entertaining to the point of making you want to join the ‘cock fighting collective’ just to spend time with these unbelievable characters. Whereas fundamentalists are deadly shockingly comedy cum-corks willing you to pop them.


Try to emulate these groups, take up full-time Cat Slaying. On your travels to slay the biggest bitch name every human being 'pop-chops' while walking on your elbows.


D'you know the one about the dog in a pub and a pint of piss, no, I don’t either. Jokes like this have a surreal nature, playing on distinct stereotypes and do include penetration and/or your mum.

Your mum jokes are used by people who spend a lot of time on Teken 4 playing their stoned friend and laughing inanely on the way they can repeat Americans who play too much Teken 5 while smoking crack.

Knock knock jokes are told by your Gran.

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. This is a joke designed by Welsh people. It pokes fun at the Irish and Scotch ultimately blaming the English because of their lack of defining stereotypical behaviour other than stupidity and overall lunacy devoid of even a basic understanding over their rented, begrudging, Empire.

Jokes about famous people who have recently died or being sexually abused, murdered or are afflicted with some disability of terminal like infliction always come with a warning of ‘I don’t know about this one’ which in itself is a lie. The result is always this strange ‘owwwhh’ noise that neither validates it’s humour, makes the listener happy he heard it and leaves both individuals with a uncomfortable (last night I think I accidentally masturbated in a synced rhythm to you and your girlfriend fucking) silence.

Racists jokes are lovingly told like accurate straight laced statements of fun that just so happen to be a liiiittle bit prejudice against a minority population who they don’t understand and extol any differences to make them inferior without cause or justification. These jokes are concluded with a jiggling potbelly.


Those amusing t-shirts with “dyslexics are teople poo or I’m good in bed (I can sleep forever)” are only to be worn if you fancy sipping a pint of mild with barstools and oxygen. Funny looking people generally have wardrobes that resemble tatty fancy dress shops. Every morning they turn the light off and run around their shelter and anything that sticks to their sweat coated torso is a wear-wear tack-tack.


The best audience isn’t your friends. There is always a funny one in your friend group that manages to say something succinct and witty at precisely the same moment your brain tries to muster something it might retort that gets you out of the funny ones onslaught to your statement that slave workers are just fucking ungrateful badly-dressed wannabe bastards.

Docile giggling buffoons are what you’re aiming for. Remember to note that these people laughed for nine hours when Graham Norton said ‘mmm these are nice’ while eating a packet of salted nuts and regard Jim Davidson as a social commentator.


Like the large gypsy women who shouts foreign slurs if you don’t pay for her and her child to live for free, to Tod Touch, who touches everything in some intricate, planned out stage play while raping Bing Crosby’s back catalogue. You have to start with some sort of grossly embarrassing but confident comedy performance. Create an unscripted scene and act it out in a scene, making a scene while a scene watches in shock and ore, observe the Iraq War.


I fucking hate errr’s. They’re the most commonly used word among comedians. “...n the doctor said, fingered? why yes, errrrrrrrrrrr and the blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah.” Punctuate like Chris Morris, Pause like Bill Hicks, stream like Ross Noble, don’t errrr like this list of comedians that I just can’t be arsed to research into listing because they don’t deserve my time _______ _______, ___ _______, ______ __, _______ __________.

Err’s are bad punctuation, needlessly filling a quite happily empty space, a reflective space. Because if you’re funny, having the necessary pauses in dialogue makes people think your that little bit deeper a slight more worthy of attention than you actually probably are. Which doesn’t matter because your getting the attention errrrrr, what about “hmmmmm,” or “that bit was completely jihad but…”

The show must go on

No it shouldn’t. Just because you want to be funny, in it’s sad, honest, eagerness does not make you funny. You can’t buy or learn timing. You can hone a talent that’s already there, you can’t just invent it because some women on Facebook said that she likes funny men. Or that everyone seems to like Russell Brand at the moment and I’m not very attractive and haven’t got much style and my hair’s thin, ginger and curly, I’m shit at taking drugs and I’m a dwarf with spot boils, right what’s left, well death with the slight recumbence that at least you're not one of those people who THINKS he’s funny.

1 comment:

Sujin said...

hey you, thanks for thanking me.

Just notice that the part where you are selling the t-shirts you have a spelling error.
is you're not your the king bl abla...