Thursday, 28 July 2011

   HOW DO YOU DO . . .  
Adobo Photoshap

I mean it, stop touching me up, leave my tits alone shit-head. Get the hell out, out of my pants, you dirty cunt. And get back on your laptop and remove my stretch marked warts. Tidy up my flaps, lift my knees and give me cheeks, plump those pink lips and make me fifty-foot fucking eyes. Don't you touch me, no god damn it, I need to be Photoshapped!

Yellow pixel, yellow pixel, yellow pixel, wee dribble.
When I was 8 I read thirteen pages of instructions, typed in fifty lines of code and waited two and a half minutes to see a cuboid rainbow appear, this was the 1980s and this was computer-programmed art.

At 11, I sat down and was told, "This class, is a revolution in mark making, you’re going to love this, this is, Microsoft paint. Yes, you can make a box and draw and even print it out in fifteen colours on our black and white printer, amazing ain't it?" 

When I was 14 after exhausting the Encarta Encyclopedia with sheer frustration that it contains about an eighth of a page of a real Encyclopedia. I inserted another encased CD disk, moved my mouse a bit and realised this was Adobo Photoshap one. It said it in big letters in the middle of the screen and on the CD and also when my teacher said, “Would you like to use, Adobo Photoshap” I replied, “Yes I would like, Adobo Photoshap,” that's how I knew.

How much?
The beautiful thing about Adobo Photoshap is no-one in the creative industry can afford it, its the most ridiculously overpriced product in the world. For the two millionaires who can, the million or so other copy it, pirate it, or steal it from College or Uni. I have never met someone who has bought an original Photoshap. If I did I'd call them a fool when I could have given it to them for free. I'm not recommending theft, no I can't do that. I'm telling them they are fools that don't steal. 

Look into my thighs
I know you might think this is bullshit but virtually everything you see that uses photographs anywhere has been through Photoshap.  Every image in every magazine since the 90’s have had some under paid mac-monkey “touch it up a bit.” You probably think it’s the media that make these unrealistic images of purely unbelievable, super-people and it’s true, you’re right, they do but you the public buy the magazines and in that purchase, confirm, reinforce and legitimise the imagery you pour scorn over in their falsehood to real life.  

Sure, we the design industry laid the egg but you fuckers been eating omelette ever since.  And you like omelette, even though you celebrate the real women with all her curves and flaws.  If all of a sudden every image you saw was untouched reality, the vitriol would quell around page 4, indifference by page 7, and by about page 12, when they've featured mature stars of stage and screen, you’ll find utter, whole hearted,  remorse.

I bet you’d think after time you become immune to the horrors that illuminate my screen daily? No, you do not, every time is abuse of my ability to see and having to stare at it and clean it away reminds me of this film that has nothing to do with photoshap.  Imagine a virtual doctor, without the coat or the salary, that’s kinda a bit like me, but mostly not.

RE: Toucher
My job, my industry, is intrinsically fused to Adobo Photoshap. If tomorrow for whatever reasons, maybe Mr Photo and Mrs Shap decided to photoshap wings onto the jumpers of the twin towers  for a tie in for new red bull overboard. Favour is lost and is fire turned to them and Adobo decided to cease making this product, careers, lives, even language would be irrevocably changed. 

Photoshap is a rare completely universally accepted and embraced program that shapes the way we use images. That's really rather monumental. I am literally shaped by every release, it is the monolith of the design industry.  So c'mon apes, lets gawp like we're learning stuff.

Yoga flame
Violent computer games are really rather fucked up, slashing thousands of throats, causing untold synthetic pain for points, abusing, destroying, garroting over and over till it ends then you buy it’s expansion pack.

Yet twisting some friends face off, scraping out the fungus from a toe with a pen while mutilating their skull, breaking theoretical bone joints to liquify and recast them while wiping away the spots and dry skin and cloning patches of their own skin implies I'm possibly ok at photo manipulation but a bloody odd torturer.

The Talent
I'm sure some nine year, no, seven year old living in a neon cupboard in Japan is way better than me on Photoshap, she probably learnt it when she was five but thought it sounded so unbelievable she'd better finish her doctorate, wait a few years and then parade around the world like some bloody Asian Mozart. They’re maybe growing, that’s right growing computers that can just make a picture perfect instantly, or if they aren't there will be in ten years which to the day coincides with my career as a breathable facet in a museum timeline of the recent history of image correction. 

Until then I’ll be like the check out staff that stare sinisterly at the automated stands slowly increasing while their tills are sidelined and full of chattier and chattier magazines until it’s a leaflet counter. The robots are taking over and they give the right change, sure they don't know what a croissant is but they always say thank you.

Pass me the ink well
In Photoshap  the tools on offer seem to be half inched from a seventies studio, airbrush, quill pen, ruler, pencils, bucket of paint, colour charts, eye dropper, stamps and a big white drawing board. You can smudge, cut and burn stuff like you've been left alone at remedial school.There’s are many other parts that are more important and interesting but less entertaining so I've not mentioned any of them.

Oh and if you think this is turning into some step by step guide sunny jim think again.  Why the hell would I want to tell anyone what I spent years learning, if I did you could be as good as me in 12 minutes. Better than me in 13 as soon as you’ve learnt that what I do can be done much simpler. In a quarter of an hour I might as well have resigned and forwarded your CV to by boss with my recommendation in that I've taught you everything I know.

It’s all wrong
And yeah, some people, some, people, call it A-do-by Pho-to-shot. But hey, I don't care, I don't even care that they mock me when I mention the new plug hinges for Photoshap. Or when I made a brush that wherever I click I leave tiny baby Jesus’. Or that I went on a for rum and asked if they knew how to paste my dog to my lap and they mocked me in text and put rude pictures of what I would look like if I was a dirty old lady. I don't care cos I bought my Adobo Photoshap and all theirs are badly photocopied without the box or the hologram on. And I'm gonna know everything and be the best, people will come to me and I will say "is your Adobo Photoshap the real Adobo Photoshap, the one with the hologram” if they say yes then I will tell them some secrets, if they say no I’ll virus them like they virused me on the for rum and turn my computer off for ever and ever and only use my drawing tablet instead, don’t even need a mouse, comes with a pen, ha harrr, ha. Ha ha HARRR.

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