HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO... 
the utter joy that is Glee

Shower me

Happiness is in the name so how can I not throw my jaw open and sing loud and proud like the Gleek I am to my Karaoke DVD Wii version of Glee! I don't know.

Why is it I get sharp neurological migraines as my brain warns me that I'm in danger or distress and seemingly against human nature it proceeds to shut down various organs in order to avoid this strain of a virus called Glee? I don’t know.

How come a good year or so after it’s saturation of everything, it's still burning away in the back-splashes of life determined to deface anything pure or new, clinging on with bloodied nails and smeared-on American smiles?  I don’t know, but I’m going to find out or become one satisfied sadist.

What is this craze?

When I first heard about Glee, my angle surprisingly was the unequivocal skeptic, especially whenever the media uses words as; craze, storm, furor or sensation and it didn't fail to confirm my good choice in spotting an incoming turd tide.  

Much like those kids who didn’t piss around in geography class then went on holiday to Indonesia a few years ago and just when the tide went out and out and a bit further out, warned people that something inextricably awful was about to happen, I’m saying they might not have been just referring to the Tsunami.

I have to also admit I do hate musical actors and actresses due to having to endure a daily bus-ride into college with a gaggle of teenage Dorothy’s simultaneously singing everything and nothing. But after all that I do like Mary Poppins, so, y’know?

When you hear people bemoan something you can guarantee other people will shoot back and say. 'Well don't watch it, don't listen to it, you don’t have to, nobody’s forcing you to, buddy.' That’s just the point, with our omnipresent media platforms. I hear Glee through people's playlists, the radio, I see Glee on neon billboards, shop fronts, chests, magazines, papers, leaflets, TV, even my own computer there is hardly a single source that isn’t engaging in its presence and if it was it’d be “in denial” or not “current” enough. This is, in itself, perpetuating my pain by promoting the subject of my pain leading to a longer lifespan by mere default.  I'm hate myself.

Pure counter culture

Yeah so in this next scene Will Burroughs is gonna be chewing some opiates when Jimmy Dean leans over and unzips his pants and proceeds to give Will oral sex, camera pans back and they’re in front of the whole class of Marxist teddy boys who burst into ‘Waiting for the great leap forward’ in Hebrew.

Counter culture has been hijacked, it’s by definition the alternative from the mainstream accepted culture. Glee is not, even when wrote about ironically Glee is not counter culture  unless that counter is in Tescos and that culture is cheap doughnuts that are making you die in pools of jam.

‘Revenge of the Nerds’ though a fabricated stereotype of a parody was more an accurate portrayal of the ignored classes.

Yeah but isn't that gym instructor amazing, she's such a brilliant actress, so dark and sharp. If a banana were in a sea of turds, it'd stand out. I'm not saying she's awful; she's obviously a great actress, so why surround yourself with emptiness?

The Soundtracks

Someone somewhere has put the Glee soundtrack on. How many of these fucking abominations are there circulating, millions, if I devote my whole life trying to track down and murder each and every copy I’d die before they’d die. I think I might buy some sort of ‘no more nails’ for my ears. 

Songs are wrote and designed to hit the parts of your brain associated with musical pleasure but unlike morphine and like heroine a lot of shit gets added until in glee’s sake, it's pretty much all shit. 

The way they drip classic overplayed songs in vats of sugary Americana till only a vapor trail of authenticity remains and then, then they take the fucker on tour. Glee tours’ are tired redundancies of a lobotomised pre teens wet-dream before they start.

I thought The Corrs were deplorable (which they are) but in comparison to Glee, they’re The Supremes doing ‘Baby love’, they make truly awful songs, so unimaginably worse they cause Michael Bay to blush.

I’m no muso, the first single I ever bought was called A la la la la la la la long, the first album I bought was Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles; in audio terms I would have deafened me. Yet despite this, despite swapping Elvis Costello for Bon Jovi and the fucking Eurhythmics, despite some shock flirting with the music of Eternal and Big Mountain, I got back on the begrudged music wagon, stopping only once more to buy the Bombfunk MCs album, it’s ok, it was like the time you forget what dirt tastes like then lick a shoe.

Glee is a profusely obease sweating poo farmer’s brogue.

The Gleeks

What a wondrous board meeting at Fox it was that day. “Hey Doug look, look, we can recycle the loser sign, for profit, high five.” Because they’re losers, wink-wink that’s the perception but we’ll employ good looking actors to play them, able bodied to play the disabled. They’re like black people with the N word, yes, this is a revolution of empowerment over 22 episodes with a Christmas special and everyone's a celebrity guest star.

Huh

It's not the fact every muscle in my body is aching for some remote, time travelling self-combustion, or there's a rule basically ugly people are never on TV unless they are ridiculed or made-over.

Thing is, I haven’t even watched a whole episode, this is merely coming from an abstracted perceptive perspective. Drawn from the poop shoots of adverts, tie-ins and toss offs to.  

In the 21^st century if  TV wants to sell an audience a product to a certain demographic that you fall into, it’ll make you abundantly clear of what it wants you to like.  Or in relation to Glee start in one market then smear it’s clamidya all over everyones penis’, even giving people penis’  so that can get a good old milky smear too.

Just dandy

For about another thirty five - forty years before I die (reckon I’ll get to see pensioner status.)  You and I’ll have to endure the repetitive outpouring of what mainstream culture depicts counter culture and the recursive elements it sacrifices for the sake of ratings and entertainment.  With the ever desirable penetration by both Britain and America of each other’s markets, this is going to get much uglier than Glee and messier than the Beastie Boys in London Zoo recording Live Lubetronics.