Wednesday, 28 November 2007



Is controversy missing from your mealtimes?
Do people like you a little bit much?
Don’t you just want to be too cool for earth?

Well haven’t we got the answer.

Don’t think, will this fit, does this look decent, will get laughed at? When shopping make an effort to shop in the mindset of a gay, malnourished, Bolivian - your hungry for clothes to impress your bum boy with the Global Hypercolour jeans. in Bolivia. The 80's is in, other time periods such as the 18th, 19th and 13th century will guarantee kudos, no, 12th century. Try to pick an iconic figure like: Fred West, Salman Rushdi or Chemical Ali and say their your bro’ ho’.

f**k you, f**k that, f**k em all, slack c**t, rape face, defo, such a shit, uber, so uncool, cool. Try hard, yeah, right, yeah-right, we are the revolution, so 2006, dick on the sex pistols, I'm going to rip it up, we're the kids, I'm wear the clothes the clothes don't wear me, need another fat line.
Remember not to use words though, your pretentious and thusly beyond cheap words, for you, conversations can be solely had with sneers.

You're advanced, evolved, and you should make everyone aware at this glaring obvious fact. Firstly never pay attention to conversations that either the plot or central character, isn’t you. Even if it is, do not make eye contact, they don't deserve your full attention, give them nuggets of inspiring you-view, Jesus did, but your better than Jesus, God and the Beatles.

Swagger, develop a style of walking that wastes precious energy and makes a part of your body move that doesn’t normally.

You don't need to queue anywhere, people do that. You do need cocaine, spirits and cigarettes hourly.

A quirk is highly recommended, some possible quirk’s you could use are; fixation with plastic hedging on toy train sets, loving the band Hull Fuck or playing with kitten cocks.

Now you're the most desirable new person you need lots of friends, and fast. Facespace is great for fake friends, search for mortals with buzzwords and then send them photos of rape victims or amusingly shaped puddles to 'get the ball rolling.' Find out your local pretentious club, pub or cafe and go. Go every week, everyday, until they all know you, (to look at only). Invite your Facespace friends there, and tell them (through a sneer) this is bull-shit, but their the only place that play Hull Fuck.

You don't need a job, you're you. But if your mum or dad won't give you anymore money and your latest rich friend has left to release her nu-rave vanity project, you might have to. Choose a job based around the decor, brand, and styled cliental, we wouldn’t want you working at Subway, it’s so 2006.

Basically, this is the thing that you do when people ask, 'so, what's your lino?', 'how did you bomb my draw space? ''what disease you scratching?'

Your career should be something indefinable yet obvious, enigmatic yet universal. Examples you could use are: "Well I’m exclusively oxygen film-bating," or "I languish and travel through time and chip media forests," or if you're street, "I flip it in Manchillly, doin' my thang." Never, EVER, tell them your thang. If you're a student, then poor raped-from-within you. Now you unenviables have to make some career that explains your lack of money and good housing. 'jimmy rigging' is the best career we've found that works but others that can be bought are; jam plate marketer, joy user and cashier assistant's wank-hand.

Throw out anything that more than twelve people in the world own. Your 'music' collection should consist of entirely unlistenable music with covers that have been designed by blind five year olds left on the toilet for too long. Think of the worst sound you've ever heard and make that your new favorite sound. Take time to relay your tastes to flat mates and your local area by playing your 'Sounds of Foghorns' album daily and nightly, at levels far exceeding that of the QE2 itself docking in your front garden. You've stolen taste, well done.

If all that doesn’t make you pretentious, move to Thailand for a year to find yourself, buy a VW campervan, call yourself 'Whydo' and join the Harei Krishnas because that’s the best place for you.

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