Thursday, 20 December 2007



Youth just getting you down?
Tired of keeping up with everything?
Be old.

People generally assume you don’t know any better. 93% of shoplifters are over 85. I know unbelievable, but when you consider the cost of drugs nowadays and the increase in ‘medical marijuana’ floating around in the greenhouses of so called care homes or as the police refer to them as hash-factories, it all fits. When you become an old you generally consume more drugs than solid meals. Dipping in and out of a drug haze reminds you of youth, which is the perfect prelude to the next stage, childhood.

Now when you’re that old you revert back to being a child, you now have the right to be argumentative, violent, incontinent, lack lustre, lazy, inconceivably fat and bed ridden, and people let you. It’s like having a key to heaven, hold that thought.

When you're old, people don’t have expectations. If they had any, when finding half of your Sunday roast matted into your jumper, now have given up ever seeing you looking smart until coffin day. This makes you free to wear anything without condemnation, try that dress on, when you have 20x20 vision wear thick-rimmed glasses, hell try on some teeth, “it’s ok, he’s old.”

Not the illness, although, sympathy wise, three gold bells. No Aids are what help you around and you need lots. Remember if you can’t do something, someone, somewhere has invented something to do it for you. I like those grabbers, just grab grab, grab, and if you can’ reach it, grab a carer’s arse and they’ll grab it for you.

Also electric wheelchairs and walking frames are old peoples cars and skateboards, footpaths are now your freeways. But by far the best is a catheter; you don’t have to wipe hold, wriggle, or even get up, wow.

A couple of costly but hilarious accessories are the stanner stair lift, if assisted by a gremlin can reach 30-40mph and the bath lifter. Lower, splash, higher, lower, splash, higher, all make for brill bath times and dandy wave pools.

When you're young you spout stuff like ‘yo’ or ‘ace’ loads. ‘Cancer’ is old peoples yo-ace. It’s like winning a disease lottery over and over again and forgetting to buy the ticket and realising, it’s a ticket for Cancer. The question that needs answering is why a star sign, and if you’re a Cancerian do you run a higher risk?

Because you’re now an old, you can date other olds. The great thing is as men die off sooner, as a man, you’ve got your pick. Get someone preferable with some form of dementure or spasm. They’ll wail, call you bramble but do some fucked up things to you, thinking they’re just clearing out the horse stables when they were nine. Ok by that age grannies don’t look too hot but the chances are, they’ve probably got a perfectly tight hole, somewhere.

No dates, no presents, no meeting the parents, no condoms, no phone calls, no love letters, no waiting outside to meet them only to be disappointed, just wrinkly messy sex.

Watch out for Shipmans, they’re everywhere. Shipman phases are:

“Ooow Mary you must have forgot to take your heroin today”

“You can traverse those series of jagged obstacles I brought back from the Krypton Factor set for me Frank.”

“Awe look at Jewels, she seems to be in another world whack! Whack, whack“

Yes people think because you're old they can rip you off, or just plain kill you and they have the perfect alibis, you!

“Oh the senile old git,”

“He was losing it towards the end,”

“I tried to tell him but you know what they’re like at that age”

Anyone who smiles a bit too much, people called Moreese and anyone who looks or is related or has an autographed photo of Shipman, avoid or die.

As an old you have to die, even God died, that’s why he’s up in heaven. Normally strokes, colds and bad falls are what statistically will kill you. The best way to avoid this would be to go on one of the many care home outings. When the begrudging carer is getting a bit tired of pushing you, your wheelchair and three stone of prescription pills, ask them if you could look closer at a cormorant sitting on a rock over that cliff face, always a cormorant, no one ever knows what they look like. When that happens and her back’s turned muster your fading flabby muscles to propel your scabby skin on the railings, over them and straight down to the sea below.
You get the most exhilarating experience since you double fisted Gladis. Your carer will have a much lighter load for her return leg, and the care home will probably be sued and have to close giving the remaining residents a change of scenery. Never has death been so win, win, win.

1 comment:

Zack H. said...

Jolly Roger,

I meant that not doing anything is unaccaptable and lazy. Though, your comment made me smile. I do have high aspirations for my life, ones that don't include me working at a grocery store. But I have to do what I have to do to get by. It's only temporary until I can get a career off the ground after school. Thanks for the comment, seriously though, it made me smile.


Yank :)