Sunday, 30 December 2007

being human


You really want to be a human,

In the beginning, but after the big bang…
There were advanced creatures on planet Earth, living in an elated state of equilibrium. Creating societies that needed no laws, no clothes and no booking fees. These creatures left 120 million years ago to voyage between space and confectionary bars, for the fuck of it. In order to keep their planet earth from ever been inhabited they created fierce toothy purple lizards called Russ.

Every so often they’d comeback to check on how things were going occasionally adding a bird here and a monkey there. While they were off mooching in the starburst nebulae, a monkey started pissing about with a tool, it was the creatures’ old blue and mecker playmate. The monkey learnt to build; hunting tools, houses, electric chairs, mobile phones, laser guided missile launchers and toothpicks in the space of only two million years.

By the time the creatures came home the whole world was destroyed and built on top was this grey, carpeted, glowing, mass-habitation. Appalled by the lack of understanding and wide-ranging idiocy, the creatures left and vowed only to return to pick poppies, amuse small town Americans and bring friends to show what a wonderful waste a world can be.

So due to some planetary miscalculation you have landed on Earth and you can’t leave no matter what you try, you now have to assimilate with the human race, not monkey race, hu-man.

AAOOOWWW! Bodyform
Picking a human body is fun and you have an infinite choice. Don’t automatically go for one of those, A-symmetrically, strangely odd, bumpy, weirdly shaped bodies, with twelve toes. These are a right laugh and although unexciting sadly symmetrical smooth ‘normal’ bodies give you a better time when moving around this planet. It doesn’t matter if you have a few lumps and afflictions just don’t look as normal as the people in human’s magazines, people just won’t believe you're real and try to rush you with the impression, you’re Skeletor.

Now, to live as a human involves a few primary traits and skills. The human race has 6,703 languages oddly most humans don’t desire to grasp one. With the average human having only a vocabulary of 5,000 words communication can be limited.

Happiness, reasoning, love, benevolence, compassion are quite familiar to you. Some that you may have evolved past are pain. A daily emotion genetically designed as a warning mechanism but a lot of the time it hinders fun and means you need to visit a hospital. Greed is coupled with the selfishness trait. You don’t need these but remember to avoid anyone who does and actively desires to use you and your balaclava for their own suspicious ends. It’s ok, human beings act with a below average intelligence, some earth animals surpass them so you can handle all these scenarios with ease and sometimes with E’s.

Watch it they did evolve from monkeys and still have some left over genes, these include; randomly violent, leading hunters, for men and caring compassionate, interacting, baby fanatics, for women.

Getting about
Primitive transportation vehicles are available but use Earth’s natural unreplenishable resources and smell awful. Bicycles are cutely self generated and highly entertaining when not walking.

Remember walk on two legs, I know it may seem easier to walk on all fours like the rest of the animal kingdom, but the main difference between them and you is that you have to buy shoes and if we walked on all fours, yep four shoes, which costs a lot of money.

Yeah, this is something that doesn’t quite make sense but go with it. You see everyone has possessions and humans always want more possessions and possessions cost money, money is what we buy things with, no trade, no giving, buy and throw away, yep I know.

This is what you cover your skin with because humans don’t want to see other humans' skin even though our main intention of wearing clothes is to attract the opposite or same sex so we can see their skin. Another contradiction is fashion magazines and catwalks. These are what humans can’t wear because they don’t look disturbingly thin or possess millions of pounds. Even though the clothes do look interesting you should buy not very interesting clothes to fit in. You will need to wear clothes if you live in an area of the world known as Great Britain, This place like few others may seem in winter months uninhabitable but against much objection is lived in.

Clothing is very important because other humans can apparently tell what your brain’s like by what clothes you put on and if you don’t wear clothes you will get put in prison because that’s illegal.

Illegal is of great consequence, this is what a few people have decided is wrong and you will be punished if you do anything on the very long list that is the law. If you ‘break’ a law you will be locked in a cell for as long as a man in a wig and group of strangers tell you to. The law has been made so people don’t do things that might affect the larger society and instead continue to do the same things they already do.

Humans spend 65% of their waking life working. They work to produce things that they buy and they keep working to buy more expensive and better things because society keeps telling them they should. They spend very little time enjoying themselves and when they do they; watch a TV box, go somewhere, drink alcohol and take drugs.

Drink n drugs
Drink and drugs are things that humans consume to make them feel different and happier than they normally do, alcohol is a drug but humans like to think because alcohol a liquid it’s like orange juice.

Be prepared, humans drink a lot of alcohol and they do it in bars and nightclubs. These buildings are where people queue to hear loud music and show off the clothes they bought to have sex, badly converse with each other and dance. Drugs are what the creatures made for the animals millions of years ago. Humans have found and adore them even though some like tobacco kills a lot of them. Drugs make us feel and act very different. Some of them are fun and some are odd, be prepared.

Humans like to have sex. They talk a lot about sex but as far as we know they don’t actually do a lot of it. To have sex is a very simple act of putting your sexual organs together and thrusting until a liquid is ejaculated and a brief pleasurable chemical reaction occurs. This can be bought, like food.

You have to eat roughly three times a day. I know it may get tiresome, shovelling food in one hole to eight hours later come out from another. If you don’t your new human body will die.

Warning, the things that come out of the other hole are going to be predominantly brown, sticky, messy, rather smelly and come out in cylinders. The processed liquid equally is expelled through another hole; this liquid is yellow, pungent, and fast flowing. There’s a lot of choice of food on earth but like water and clothes the whole human race is not equal even though there is statistically enough food, water and clothing for everyone.

Ok you’ve understood so far but this one’s just plain barmy. To make sense of themselves humans created about 10,000 differing religious explanations asking not answering the question, why? As even a semi evolved extra terrestrial you can comprehend that they haven’t realised parademic super structures and circular fulfilment lol lol lol lol lol lol lol.

They go to these buildings, churches, mosques, temples etc, and pray for either; the person they wrote about to come back, to speak to them or invite them to join them. Don’t laugh, they take it very seriously and have been known to kill people with opposing views.

The Paradox
A Paradox is something that applies to a lot of things on earth. Governments who are in charge of countries exercise a paradoxical way they govern humans. Saying things like freedom and then enforcing restrictions, while giving money to rich people and saying there isn’t enough for the poor people. Also the common humans exhibit paradoxical behaviour. Humans buy big houses that can accommodate entire communities yet leave people out in the cold starving to death. Inventing social networking sites that take time away from actually speaking to the people they’re friends with. Demonising alcohol and drugs yet year on year increasing consumption of both. Oh and Religious wars, hilarious.

Complete ish
Alive after all that, great, no sharp implements around. Well there are a few things I haven’t mentioned that you’ll pick up like: Music here is very simple honest and rather fun. Electricity is their power source, generally generated by burning Earth’s resourses and creating reactions and pollution with decidedly dangerous radioactive rods. They like to keep little animals indoors and in cages to make themselves feel superior. Humans enjoy complaining about how bad their lives unaware that their jealousy regarding other peoples happiness are littered with identical feelings. Most importantly they do share a commonality in wanting to be happy and their lives being much more important than they actually are.

I hope you can have fun at what these homosapiens have created and you never know; someone might come and rescue you. So, get to work, you human, no really, GET TO WORK!

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