Sunday, 3 February 2008

gay


HOW DO YOU DO...
being a gay (boy)

Can’t find even ugly women to fuck?
Then you need to be a gay



Background
Gay’s have been popular ever since those two scousers in Brookside got off with each other. They have been increasing in numbers and pretty soon they’ll dominate the planet turning everyone into camp Ron’s and wipe out the whole population in some apocalyptic dried fanny doomsday.
So this is your chance to be on the winning team.

If not even ugly women will do you and you’ve wanked over every pornographic pic on the super highway. By being a gay you can now fuck women in the arse, well, in a way.


The look
You can forget subtly, you need neon!

Remember, no two gays look alike unless they're serious bumsods. You’re an individual now. Take a stroke through the museum of Christmas tree decorations, or your local boys brigade group for inspiration. Form a blatant blend of catwalk female fashion and 80’s teenage boy, with lights.
Ta dar.


Men
This is where is gets easy. Every man you see are now your sexual targets. Your workmates, your friends, even your dad are now on the fuck meter. Having been used to women you now have to decide a type of man you want. Recommendations include: muscle men, men that over-wear leather, men that can bend 90 degrees. Men called Steve, men who wear dresses, men that talk about pooing a lot, men that say they want to have anal penetrive sex with you and men that play rugby. But no women


Sex
A man’s bum is like a women’s fanny only that it’s tighter, smaller, further round the back and has bits of crusty brown bits and pubic hair matted around it. To prepare you for the shock bend over a mirror and spread ‘em.
Now you remember when women complain about “ohhh when I had a baby it split me open like a melon forced through the eye of a needle, men can never relate” Bum sex is like that. But the beauty is you’ll get a feeling that makes you want more of the melon inside you even though you’ve eaten enough and you're bleeding all over you best mate Steve.


Giver or taker
Sitting on the swings you see a lot of things, teenage girls giving blowjobs, people repeatedly writing their names on walls, men and boys tearing up the rubber lining to pave their play pens - and dogs. Dogs having dog sex.
Dog sex is a lot like gay sex; some dogs even slip it in there. You got to look at yourself and see if you resemble a
Giver or taker, German shepherd or terrier.


Important bi words

Up hill gardener – gay gardeners

Felching – licking mens cream from a mans hole.

Rimming, - licking bums for fun

Frottage – Gay French for rubbing up against another gay when wearing neon lighting units.

Cottaging - where a gay meets a gay to bum and can go for a wee after.



The aftermath
The sting will be more and more bearable and the fact that everytime you cough, you poo will mean you have to wear a cork nappy, but on the upside you're fucking more than you’ve done in your life and you can fall asleep after a joint, with a brown willy and not get in trouble.


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