Thursday, 28 February 2008



Fancy been caricatured and criticised mercilessly?
Love those benches they got?
Never made a good decision in your life?
Get yourself a suit, cos your going to Westminster

Hello Mrs?
As politicians you’ll spend ages trudging round housing estates getting consistently; laughed at, pelted with and shouted down while campaigning for your party, in fairness, yourself. Take in a long-suffering breath to relentlessly talk to demographics that don’t vote or like you or your party or anything you have or ever will have to say. And now they kinda think that you think that they smell because you’re holding your breath and turning a funny colour of puce.

There is also another type of politician. These pay money to influential people offering their skills as liars to get people into power like Meet and Leek Campbell and Randy Mandelson. If you’re that minted you can buy power It doesn’t matter which party you plum for. So Jehovah's Witness or Jehovah's card details?

Everyone’s got a shtick. If you want to be all working class and appeal to the fifty kid mothers of those scall’s who tag n key your car, then get that batter patter down. Talk in some rastastani way, innit. Set up a dealership at your party HQ. Comment on everything other politicians say in the papers with "Bwoy that’s proper rank yeah, weeez beat your pale ass down, Jenga-ed."

If your background is more middle class, ask quite ridiculous questions, ride a Sinclair C5, have stupid hair, say misguided things about immigrants and people from northern industrial towns. Get photographed a bit pissed or doing your secretary so they think you have some spunk.

Forget individual style you must now till your death appear to be selling Central heating at all times. OOooow he’s so shiny. Well, greased.

Kissing babies is very important and if you’re a paedophile, very rewarding. The practicality is that hopefully the babies you kiss on the way up will be the carers that nurse you on the way down. So slip em the tongue or they’ll slip you an extra large suppository.

After buying voters off with your unimaginable amount of unbelievable and undoable policies you get voted in. Only just in front of the BNP party who in fairness you copied half your manifesto from. With that racist seat and some furrowed brow questioning in parliament people start to take notice, think that you must be some sort of latter-day Enoch Powell with balls bigger than Stephen Hawking's.

After been sat in the seat for what seems to be eternity you ponder just what the hell’s anyone actually is doing here. Resorting to paraphrasing Terry Wogan’s Eurovision commentary whenever the E.U. is mentioned. You eventually even stop that, get bitter and find the most abusive way you can attack fellow members of the opposition baring in mind that you have to call them ‘the right honourable gentleman’ before every thusly contradictory statement. The now stagnant party likes your absurd idiocy and when the current prime minister suddenly unquestioningly dies, they put you forward for leader.

And holy moley you win.

Winston Churchill had his Victory V, Blair had his conversation hands, Ted Rodgers had his 321 and Gordon Brown has, well, the office on DVD. You need an intrinsic personality trait that people can identify and poke fun at. Some suggestions are: A blood soaked hand puppet called Benaseer. Maybe at intrinsic moments in international discussions point up at the ceiling with a pale crazed fear shouting “Independence Day!” Start every speech with “Word up suity booties…” and end with “…someone dropped a snizzle I’m outa this faggot forrest”. Always referring to the United Kingdom as “oh that shit hole.” Trying it on with every Head of State, Minister, Secretary and Royal with the explanation “I’m just trying to make peace and love with my piece and you luv.” Paying for things openly in rupees refusing to use the pound “cos it aint got my face on, yet. ”

You have probably noticed Politicians never really lie so to speak. (pause to collect your thoughts). They just don’t tell the truth. If you listen closely their statements are never answers to questions posed. More whimsical narrations of theoretical situations and events happening in a parallel universe to our own. When these “lies” are exposed a politician has to be ready to gratuatiously adjust all previous statements, intents and actions to sound, well believable to them and Murdoch and generally more unbelievable to the general public.

Remember to not tell the truth when the press are heading for your head. Affairs, blowjobs, corruption, invisible weapons of mass destruction, terrorist threats, wasteful public spending, having relations with human rights abusers, being a human rights abuser, murdering and a dictator like disposition can all be side stepped with a smile and a whole heap of blame, on someone else.

This is so pop at the mo. Try and use whatever God your country is lumped with a say with a straight face that whatever your proposing is for God. God wanted this war, we are fighting for good, good God, we’re fighting for God and we will conquer, oops give them democracy.

The papers
Pretty much assume these two things. There are papers that support you but make you look a fool. Then there are papers that hate you and make you look a fool.

Get used to been papped. Get used to having your sweat, your teeth, your diet, your sex life and your pubes debated national and internationally. They’ll characature you worse than homeless Italian artists do at the tower of Pisa. Then they’ll make effigies from that characature and parade that right in front of your new matey presidents house. They’ll be even one guy who devotes your entire term of office shouting at you from across the street, you can call him whore.

Roll up, roll up, names in a hat time, not yours. Let’s come on down to play cabinet reeeeshuffllllle.

Most of these people in the hat should be ugly useless MPs so as to never pose a leadership threat. It won’t matter none of them really need to do anything because all offices have secretaries and competent incompetent consultants. All they have to do is answer a few questions in Westminster about frauds, ‘working holidays’ and a total collapse in infrastructure. Just instruct them to say this line “there will be a full independent enquiry conducted by Lord matey boy.”

Now where’s Johnson with my cigar.

“Y'Know what really fucks me off about this country”


“Bricks, I hate those pissing blocky red things filling up our streets, taking our jobs, being part of our houses, they don’t help, just sit there, looking”

Ban them. Change all road markings to match the flowers in your window box. Criminalise any form of runny nose, outlaw people in tracksuits that have obviously never used them for sporting activities. Hell close London, naming Barnsley our new capital of commerce, diversity and the 21st centuries technological world heartland.

O no, a crisis. Get yourself a special red alert C.O.B.R.A. meeting and review nothing. Watcha bit of TV have a chat, get the MOD and MI5 to bring a few beers round. Ring the U.S. ask em what to say, then release a statement.

If anyone in the news says owt about strong public opinion, do the opposite, and then it’ll look like your being decisive.

Defeat, scandal, and still in office? But oh what do I hear, they’re calling for your resignation for flattening Wigan last week when they beat Man city. And when you shipped the population of Devon to South Africa to black up and run farms the United Nations are dizzily labelling it genocide, I think you need a back door.

How about a multi million pound book deal? I series of motivational lecture tours with ex presidents? A CEO of a pharmaceutical company even? If you really believe in absurdity how about a job in a place you’ve already fuct up once before say, Middle East Ambassador?

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