Thursday, 6 March 2008



Wanna swastika shaped beer mug?
Like climbing walls?
Stay in the UK

History, lissen
Right, There’s this place it’s like 1,000 miles away, yeah. It’s called Jeremy or Grr many or whatever. N innit is people who live like proper happy in-dare. Yer Germanans yousta have this war cos they were all mentals, day got all deese cool badges n moustaches n tings n they wannid ta show all dem world em, safe. But it wernd n we all didn like dat dutty bling so we battered them, gangsta style. Int end we made em build a pukka wall but they dealers wannid to deal boths sides of it so day paid David Hasselhoff to knock it down, boo ya. But thing is, now these Shermans, they all happy, but we keep talking about them moustaches nt guns, which they don’t like. Dem Gergans think we’re living int past wit house musik, they’re all techno eds and they is right. Cos worlds moved n dat, n we don’t know it. Yoww Peace.

W ow
An experiment took place that instead of fluoride the Government put stylide in Berlin’s drinking water. This chemically distorted everyone into genius German punk hobo. Middle aged, “this is what I like, so screw you if you like,” mental. Or just plain, “I’m so over sex it makes all and sundry want to bukakki around me,” ethereal wonderment. So whether it’s choosing a daunting dog chaperone, getting a drum symbol hat with a tweeting bird adornment, do definitely gaze at the thing your buying and actually considering whether it makes you gush up your duds.

Sky scraping
Do you hang around building sites dipping your dipping stick into ejaculated wet goo? Germany is a whole city of dried up gooey concrete paradises. It seems Germans are so retarded for something we have grown to label and despise.

Their tower blocks have an abundance of beautiful, shocking graffiti. Murals of babies eating babies, of robots lasers and apocalypses with beautifully sluttish rabbit ladies. Sadly it makes us realise that graffiti isn’t just writing ‘finker’ on a wall, in a way that no one can appreciate its lack of thought, grammar and to that point, even read.

Watch it
Los Angeles cars are such limp cocks. They have to stop when any fanny fancies teetering out onto the road. In Germany, cars are the Don Quan Daddy Double Dick Dongos. Even if the traffic lights are on green it’s legal for you as a German in a car to keep driving if there’s no people wanting to cross. No motorway speed limit, with a plethora of powerful German made cars to choose from. If you wanna drive, get down to dick town.

Berlin’s is employing a new Secret Service Crap Corp that at unspeakable hours hoovers and polishes up Berlin’s streets while shooting stump laden mangy pigeons. Because Berlin is super clean. They have this machine where you get 20p everytime you recycle a plastic bottle. Which would help on a Saturday night not having enough money for some curly fries. I suppose, if you like those novelties, which I do.

If you break the law they don’t really care if you have breakable limbs, you’re in that van by your boobs. See maybe it comes from their history, maybe it comes from their understanding of conformity, of rules and regulations and acceptance of this. I think one copper had just enough of some flashy tosspot waving his 50 euro bills in his face, saying.
“Vere’s your power Mr Policeman? Is Versailles Treaty still taking more of your backbone cos I think vis is one of your colleagues. Hello Mr grilled pig, you only cost two euros to own. Had any Jews lately? Oh yeah vat’s right vey can’t stomach you, vell maybe you sho…”

“SWACK!” Gasps.

“A, a, a. Good job, great work, ermm promotion. Everyone, everyone. Look at this fine example of law enforcement officer, three cheers for karma, hip hip…”

I, like most people hate the police. The way they throw their authority about and generally believe you’re a criminal before you’ve even thrown that molitov cocktail at that adoption home for the disfigured. But I kinda like the Berlin police. They don’t get in your face, they don’t accost you if you’re a drunk, they don’t think your dealing drugs if your cigarette is a funny shape. They just stand around, or walk, being police.

No ban
Cigarettes are wonderful things, after getting over the whole disease, smell and death. If you still want to smoke, as a Berliner you can smoke virtually anywhere and buy them as soon as you can reach the street corner’s vending machines. Equally, cheap good booze is available everywhere; cafes, corner shops, cinemas, patisseries and no word of a lie, even pharmacies. It’s wonderland.

Yet I haven’t seen one drunken brawl, no kids smoking cigs. Nothing that I see every Friday and Saturday in any town or city centre in the UK. Because Germans seem to have this thing, I think it’s called trust, whereby, (and go with me on this one,) just because they have something, like most European countries they don’t feel the need to abuse it. It’s why you can’t leave you bike for a minute outside the offy without the fear and invariably actual theft of it. Yet Berliners leave a litany of bikes without even a lock on for days. It’s why you often fear going out after dark. Whereas Berlin is so calm you feel like a 2am nude stroll. If your trying to find your passport, waaait.

Germany if drawn would have a big fat snout, a curly tail and go oink oink, you see what I’m trying to symbolically illustrate, Germany is just one big dirty pig. They manage to farm, breed and eat so friggin much of the animal they’ve pretty much wiped out the concept of any other animal existing. In Germany if you don’t like pig your not German, to them your not even human, don’t squeal, they’ll eat yer.

Bears in cold climates have adapted their coats as genetic shields. German women have taken heed and grow their body hair to naturally shield them from men ever taking their clothes off. This bushy nature is found to be conducive to the climate of “urrrgggghhhhhh” if ever seen by foreign eyes.

Yet in comparison to their female counterparts men seem to be a lot balder. Big bulbous baldies, young small thinning and strange old axe like indented males wander around seemingly oblivious to their ingestion of radioactive pro bald genetically modified pig meat, M mmm. (Think that might be slanderous).

Blonde and blue eyed?
I don’t want to make assumptions about the holocaust, or even fear of a reoccurrence of that inclination of genocidal inhalation but there isn’t that many minorities or diversity in Berlin. Maybe when everyone was talking about multicultural landscapes and cross border diversity, they were worrying about how they’re going to get rid of a bloody big wall. But the old enforced Arian adage still seems to have a hangover in the population. Consequently minorities receives undue attention stared onto them. Admiration and jealousy combined is a hard expression to muster, but them Berliners are masters at the bating.

A wee
Five beers and no peanuts your standing outside wishing your nuts hold pee because you have no money and it’s 80 cents to piss. Yes in modern Berlin it’s illegal to wee on the street and nearly everywhere charges, even McDonalds. So always carry change or go into a bar because those toilet attendants are far too high on anti bac they’ll most likely make you re-digest.

In the world pie chart of freedom and quality of life, Germany would have Beth Ditto’s share where as the UK and US’s wouldn’t satisfy Kate Moss even if it had cocaine crust and she hadn’t got gacked up in a week. So be a Berliner for a bit, maybe, if you want, not bov'ed, i don't rule your life or nothin, TIDY YOUR ROOM!

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