Tuesday, 25 March 2008



“Oi you fucking cardboard cut-out cunt bag. You, ya lying pokey arsed little gobshite blowing yer pip sqweeky mouth off at me, faggot. I deck yer now, fat faced dick-billed knob-jockey.” Is considered bad language.

“Thy’s hedge-born whoreson hath influenced thou’s own clot poled, tardy gaited, pig-nut, heavily cockered, maggot pie of a foul knave’s rat‘s bain. Alas it perturbs any such resurrection to even Judas’s urchin.” Is considered good language.

But who decides?

Namely this guy called Mr Oxford and his friend Mr Hypocrite who consider what they choose as words being the antithesis of language. Disregarding any improper word until it’s been in circulation for a number of years, verified by numerous source texts with atleast three circle jerk meetings held phyically discussing it relevance. When they've finished tossing it about and put it in. Anybody who’s anybody hardly uses Cowabunga anymore.

This, so it seems is where we’re at, listening to people in stone buildings telling us whether spazmo is an actual word, or whether you toffs are useless spazmos can be pluralized in it’s common usage.

Language and dialect
I once said "A language is a dialect with an army
and navy" when I quoted Max Weinreich. See take Scallies, they have a dialect, Scalish, they also have a strong weapons supply and a band of mad people that can be called to arms at the drop of a baseball hat. The only thing their lacking is control over Britons numerous waterways. Consequently if you ever do see a group of tracksuits seemingly floating on a cloud of purple haze, call Curry’s and the U.N. cos they’ve got a language and we’ve got Scally Civil War.

Body Language
This is the new language well so it seems. So everyone goes on about it, like it’s never existed, like they’ve been shown the holy grail of a secret understanding of human interpretation. We are born to recognise it. If we need a TV programme to highlight it we're doing a pretty shity job at being human beings. Granted body language is succinct, subtle and underhanded at times, but if you're concentrating on where someone is crossing their hands while talking to you, “because that means your being defensive bah blah blah.” You probably haven’t realised their conversely pissed off internation in the fact you’re pointing that shit out and not listening to a word they say.

Foreign language
I know, why so bleeding many of them. People are people, a foreign language is a foreign language and you are a lazy git who can’t be bothered to learn the right way to say something so just points gesturing like a baby or an ape or a sperm. Apologies
you was meant to be replaced with I. On average people know 0.0001% of the worlds languages, that‘s one. The whole world is dislocated by something that was supposed to bring us closer, irony moment.

People have tried to launch global languages Esperanto, Lojban and Toki Pona to name three. Yet humans are selfish and socially realistic and controlled to the point that unless the whole population of the world learns it, I’m not going to. Even though “mama pi mi mute o, sina lon sewi kon” sounds more lively than ”Our Father, which art in Heaven. Hallowed be thy snore”

People consider Shakespeare one of the greatest writers along with Socrates, Marx, Edgar Allen Poe, Dostoyevsky, Emily Dickinson, Aristophanes and Aesop etc. But recently we seemed to have plainly forgotten how to write. A lot of words are written, the most since words began yet the level of comprehension and their maximum impact seem to have pissed off with Kerouac and Burroughs.

We have no belief in the importance of biting words and on a whole seem to prefer dumb generalisations. Read any tabloid randomly and you’ll scarcely find a creative verb or succinct noun used unless coupled with a unsophisticated emphasis, inside a quote or added with a cockney how’s your farther precursor.

Look Elle, More Nuts. There seems an endless amount of four letter word publications. Feeling it their duty to continue the theme inside, the only longer words permitted are premiere and rehab. Yes their piss drunk on the dumb vibe and we haven’t even reached the storm.

So by in large, as usual pop culture is getting more and more indisguinishable and more and more simplistic, things are fast and in a fast world we need fast words. This is sad, sad for ubiquitous, shimmering, bulbous, incredulous incandescent and all those other big words that can’t abbreviate to a size 0. But pop culture doesn’t mind because serving the dumb masses is easier than bringing them out of their hangover because if they did, people might go elsewhere, Hello?

I gave my spell checker the authority of a judge, feeling I have to argue my case at every fragment and semi colon bad usage. But personally my spell checker’s seriously disabled. For one, it’s an American and thus frequently masturbates over the letter z. Two, it loves to connect and split words when I like them the way they are. After I disagree with it’s correction and we move on, it not only highlights that expression not been in it’s Delaware Dictionary It goes back to it believing that I’ve collected my senses realised my misguided misgivings offering me the same standardization. This twat’s seriously deluded. It’s got no qualifications and it doesn’t even speak!

And while we’re here. Why do we hang onto odd things like Times New Roman. Romans didn’t even have Times New Roman cos it was invented in 1933. So why do we have to keep using it, it’s cottage cheese.

YES yes yes, Errrrrr is back again. Err: a indicator to people and the individual that their out of anything particular witty or funny to say but what you heard was great, wasn’t it, it was and I want to talk more, oh I do.

When people say Um and Uh as fillers they tend to sound a bit dumb, confused and like they're starting an ill-conceived frog chorus. Essentially Um and Uh are the base root easiest thing you can say without any vocal effort, the Welsh do the same but it’s pronounced ‘Ym.’

Fuck is a different type of indicator, it indicates the individual feels the need to weight words with a fuck precursor and that person is quite insecure about his words without a fuckin fuck in it. Alternatively it adds emphasis to a sun lounging word to make into a raging fucking fireball. Fuck? it’s actually quite a diverse word.

Like so many things. If you've got a couple of plums in your mouth and you’ve never heard the word giro being used in your vicinity. Statistically you’re going to have a more varied grasp of the English language than those who hear and plead for Mrs Giro to come, daily. But what’s interesting is that language is a natural constantly changing life force. The working class tongue may not be as complicated in a traditional sense. But it makes up for that with true invention of language by adaptation, cutting and splicing together. The Internet has played global slang role with invention of equally unique terms like celebufreak and bullshot replacing the words Spice girl and the phrase "why do i believe the advert graphics and not read the small print, again."

When we talk, we compose words instinctively almost without consultation. We rely on our brain to compose perfection and curse it for making disturbing judgement. Conversations in an ideal world should be adventures, happy, electrifying, galvanised intrigue that shock and encapsulate the listener. To hang on every word is the mark of a good speaker. If people walk out of a room, turn on the TV when your still speaking they’re either insensitive or your cat’s a better linguist.

When speaking, alot of people are sloth lazy. They’d rather:

  • Reuse a word man repeatedly man, in the same dull way dude.
  • End a conversation with a vague generalisation, yeah life, it’s just 1’s and 0’s, no 2’s not in this life, man.
  • Repeat the television as if quoting the Quran.
  • Agree with people believing it’s easier to align themselves than to stand out.
  • Droll on until other parties make excuses to leave.
  • Bile everything out about themselves however inconsequential and uninteresting til everyone who’s listening feels like they know them inside and out without even requesting it, and try best to forget it, but can’t.

  • Repeat the same thing over and over and over again about something you didn’t want to even hear the first time.
  • Talk about one uninteresting subject just to fill silence that everyone concerned would rather be silence.
  • Interrupt a very interesting statement with something they have thought CARROTS that barely links whatever YES CARROTS was been discussed and subsequently calls an end whatever brain stimulating moment you were I HEARD CARROTS ARE NOW NOT GOOD FOR EYES having.

I should change the title to: When speaking, a lot of people piss the hell out of my soul.

Is there a use for language?
This is debatable. Words or rather sounds have been around since a noise could be mustered form a very early life form, simpler than even “ughh ughh.“ Since then it has evolved and increased in complication to its modern incarnations “e arrr, e arrrr.“ But in recent studies people have found that there just aren’t enough words to describe things, feelings, events and emotions.

Granted and lauded over (by themselves) the French’s 12 different words for love. More impressive in a way are the Eskimos 100 different words for snow. Greater still, we the English, (yes us) invented a unquantifiable range of words for being drunk. All don’t have a word that describes a strangely damp feeling in your socks, that’s not quite wet but not quite sticky. This all stems from our cultural landscape. If we have a history of badly made shoes combined with consistent rainfall, there would be a word for it. (and it’s not fusty, but we‘re close).

Maybe if there is a perfect language out there, not many of us have found it. I reckon those smarmy faced dolphins use it. Whatever language people perceive as perfect it will be subverted abbreviated and warped into imperfection in one mans ears and happy discordant in anothers. Now why don’t we just screw everyone over and just use mime

yeah two to you too.


Anonymous said...

Very good stuff, I was going to recommend you read up on Stephen (or Steven) Pinker who wrote a few books on this subject, I haven't actually read any myself, I have the opportunity to anytime I please, but at the moment it wouldn't please me to do so. Anyway the recommendation has come too late because you've finished this guide anyway and I don't reckon he was going to say anything you couldn't have worked out for yourself in the first place. See you soon


Sujin said...

hey, there are quite a few spelling mistakes, mainly in the writers' names. Don't know if you did it on purpose, but if not have a look.

c&d oscar said...

enjoyed your observation what a strange thing vocabuary is!i am not too sure that anyone back in the 60 would have known what a scally was they where probably called holigans or trouble causers is that progress? you tell me!

Anonymous said...

really good would enyone back in the 60 know what a scally was?is this progress who changes these names we have come to understand is it MR Oxford?
c&d & ocsar


hooligans are the scallies grandparents. Chav's are an invention by the sun. And urchins are little fuckers who are so poor and sweaty they stick to walls.


or are they limpits? Anyway they both smell of fish