revoltingly rich

HOW DO YOU DO...

revoltingly rich

Tell me you don't want to be rich, tell me, ha, fucking liar

It'd be a right buzz-oldrin

Ground work

Zimbabwe's brilliant, innit? Aside from all that dictatorship business, those deaths and routine starvation rumours. Because of inflation for fifty quid you're a zibabab millionaire, Jesus never had it that good.

Generally, to be a regular richy rich your family have to drink water sourced from polor ice caps, filtered through panda brains and shoot foreign dignitaries for fun. If you're not and those first few months of life are spent surrounded by parents; Candice and Johnno, who feed you an assortment of the pringles range and gone off Hooch. Kill that nubile young body and wait for the next miracle moment, won't be long, bout three a second i hear.

Making money and not having to commit multiple suicide

Regardless of any hidious scal-formed upbringing, as a shrewd businessman, slogging your guts out you could make a valued contribution to the populous and thusly become finacially and emotionally rich. Or you could just invent something.

Inventing is piss easy, just take something and make it different and say it's new. Or put together bits of really good inventions to make one super invention that every aspirational being seems to all of a sudden. Need.

Last week I invented the cup-snack-camera-cat. Combining the executive luxury of food in a cup and the freedom of capturing that moment on a convienient cat. Too right you can't use that, it's copywrited © 2008 pissyouinc.

Mean

Well, you don't have to...nahhhhh, you have to be one mean mother to be a rich mother, so there Mum.

Screwing people over

Pyramid schemes are great, they're profitable, some people make money and if you start one you're the Pharoah. People who buy a brick of the pyramid scheme and get screwed deserve to be screwed, you own a brick.

Other ways that don't envolve ancient civilisational iconography are: Getting people to buy something that doesn't exist, can't even be built in the First, Second, Third or Forth Life game, won't be delivered, can't been seen, or concieved through pre-longed Buddist englightenment , combined with abstract religious anal penetration.

What should I buy?

So you've amassed a tidy fortune by selling out, ripping people off and generally being tighter than tights. Now you must buy stuff and make people jealious. Some things found desirable are:

• All the tickets for the premiere screening of the most anticipated film of the year, and not go.

• The worlds supply of oil and keep it saying to the world. "You'll only get some if you eat all your sprouts, and I mean every last one of them, even if their cold, and don't cry cos it'll only make them soggier."

• A court jester who if he stops making you laugh, under UN protocol, you can burn him.

• Lots of holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.

• A priceless watch sculpted to look cheap, with hints of pricelessness that is actually cheap.

• With your army, invade every Christian church and turn them into athiest whorehouses.

• Build an institute for the study of Ball-sack shaving

What not to buy?

We've warned you with the title, but rich people are fools, so go on, buy:

• Things that dissolve.

• Art made from faeces.

• The landmass of Nergal 4 for developments of a palatial palace with the hope of spaceport links to Nergal 5.

• The rights to Gary Glitter songs.

Dress

The first (and only) King of America, Emperor Norton wore the finest clothing yet he was a pauper. We recommend you ignore him, due to your buoyant riches wear solely inflatable clothing.

Hangers on

UGLY- there's the door

BEAUTIFUL - there's the bed and yes i'm into that.

Bankruptcy?

When your fighting a war and you stumble accross a cute squirrel, pump five rounds of ammo into its furry body, look up and find you're surrounded by bloodthirsty millitia with ' I LOVE U BASTARD SQUIRREL' T- shirts on, that's bankruptcy.

Don't wonder why, when, how or even what. All you need to remember is where those holes of gold are. If you're the diamond who didn't think about this contingancy, get used to this phrase, "bum's worth" that's the portion of everything you'll be asking for.