Thursday, 15 May 2008


a career

Parents keep telling you to get one and you’ve looked all over eBay?
Job Centre's sacked you?
People tell you you smell, you’re that stagnant?
Your work history reads like an A to Z of a fast food guide?

Shit, I hope so. Don’t, whatever whimsical passion you surcome to do a University course that has the words ‘interactive’ ‘media’ or ‘art’ in the title. Because then you’ll have to tell everyone “Yes, but I don’t do drugs anymore, my heads back at the top of my body, and I’m more focused into the whole 9 to 5 jobby whatchma thing” to stand any chance of them letting you use the first aid kit without a senior staff member present. If ‘Interactive media artist’ is your course title, I think there’s an exhibition in a bin down the road. Not that bin, it ain't that repellent and fake filled.

Get yourself a suit, remember it doesn’t have to look great but they key is shiine. If you see TV people in suits they bloody shine, not because of Mr lighting man or your own badly placed positioning of the TV set. They buy the equivalent of a solar panelled suit so those seemingly teeny tiny PDAs can run off the power generated from just a starbucks stroll. That is power, is class and now is you. Top this off with Audi cufflinks and the biggest and the pinkest tie, now you can go sky high.

Hold on a magic roundabout minute!
Why do you want a good job? Because it gives you money. Why do you need money? To buy the latest things. Why do you need to buy the latest things? Because high society and the Government tell you to. Why do they tell you to? Because they've got good jobs. Okay carry on.

The ladder
A career is not like a ladder, it’s like a really arduous battle of will and self-belief and having that ability to suppress those for many years until you realise you’ve wasted many years befriending coked-up power enthused, twats.

The routine is like this: Temp, Permanent Junior, Senior, Section Supervisor, Section Manager, Middle Manager, Deputy Executive Manager, Executive Manager, Regional Manager, National Manager, International Coordinator, Vice President, Senior Vice President, CEO. Some companies are different, they have more titles. Trying, most people will get to say the third or forth job, some in their lifetime will achieve fifth or sixth, one mabye seventh.

No one you know will ever get to be CEO.

But in the end, after all that work, the sex you missed, the bum sweat sex you wished you missed, the all nighters, the smiles and suppression. To come out with the bequeathed title of
Ms Fanny Stainbridge U.K. manager of Tampax, must be so very worth it.

Rule to rule
Talk to your boss. Sit down and have a very direct conversation with him about the toilet rolls in cubicles. Say it undermines your hard-line work ethic to use quilted when you need cushiony soft velvet God damn it! Share your own career goals with him. Tell him you want his job and think he does a shimmering shit job of it now. Say that you could achieve better results with your head in a bowl of frogspawn gargling “my old man said follow the van.” Your boss will respect this display of confidence and maturity.

Be innovative. When everyone talks shop, you talk Power Rangers' new series. Never be afraid to think outside of the box, discuss the cinema and the latest comics.

Don’t ask for more. Volunteering to help out other departments will mean you have less time to play whatever trendy Facebook game with ninjas or zombies is pop-plop poo. Within your first month erect a very strong bulb above your head creating a spotlight for everyone to see who's the divine shining light in this office.

Sharpen your pencil skills, everyone loves sharp pencils. One day, your boss will ask you if you have a pen, give him one of your sharpest pencils and see that look, yes, it’s the same as you had ten minutes before when you got it that sharp.

Don’t listen carefully to people. Do look around while people are discussing important in depth matters. When your confident with your observations, tell the room. “Yes, true as that
appears to be David, your missing the point, why do we have mouse traps but I never see any mice, arrrrrrrh. Exactly.”

I have a dream
Dream, dream for that penthouse, dream for the yacht your boss has, dream to fly business class, dream because it won’t happen. Your boss is your boss because he realised that he, only he, can get all that stuff, not you, your some upstart who wants his bath tub.

Mein shaft
Not had a promotion in a while, best thing to do, create a crisis. Deliberately make a part of your company break, then because you broke it, you are the best person to fix it. One thing, you didn't break it, well you did, but to your boss, it was Bob with warts, or Victor with the vein face, maybe divorced debt Donald or too-tight Claire with the terminal cancer.

Slander colleagues who want to achieve and are better than you but just haven’t got the lack of morals you have. Even if their family goes hungry. I mean, hey he gets free coffee and biscuits, he can provide.

Succeed you have to succeed, if the boss puts that big old wrinkly cock in your mouth you know you're going to succeed, cos he wants you. If he lays his trust in your hand you know he wants it handled well.

There will be compromising times, times you wish you were somewhere else, times that make you think is it all worth it. But when you look out of your office window into that grey monoxide clogged city with all those millions of people in those thousands of office blocks all thinking the exact same thing, you know you're right.

“If you are very involved with your career where it becomes your 24 hour life, it is easy to not worry about relationships. As for love, if people don’t want it, they avoid the people that would offer it. I’ve done it. As for meeting someone when you get older, I have noticed a lot of women in their 50’s who are willing. Most of them either have had kids but are not in a relationship. Or the ones who are childless I find are not trying very hard to turn me down.” Anon

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