Tuesday, 6 May 2008



Didn't already know?
Everyone tells you you've got a 'God complex' and your lives relatively simplistic and don't even know a God?
Better not try this.

Thy kingdom
What do you want to control; a planet, a friggin Petra dish, a galaxy, maybe the whole bleeding universe or even the entire concept of what everything sumounts to be? Are you a leader or a crazed megalomaniac?

What d'you wanna look like? Historically God's have had many incarnations: Gases, TV personalities, penguins, Alanis Morrisette (if your that way inclined), fat friendly men (if your the other), dolphins, stars, blobs, epervessant light, multi appenedaged old men with beards, bald boys, flipper. Pretty much owt you like that isn't Morgan (oh please give me another God role) Freeman.

God get up
White, white, WHITE. Why white? Because in heaven you don't get stains, simple, simple? Yep cos if everyone could wear white they would do it for a bit and in that bit, be God, n look a tad odd. Nah tie dye, nah black. How about being that gratiousatus clothes would be an insult to an abomination.

The flock
It's essential you create a following. If no one knows you exist it's a bit rubbish being God, kinda like been incharge of the UN and realising no one gives a fuck about it. The best way to do this would be to get a TV channel, call it 'God' or 'Yiiass me, yes the silly sod!' Have some celebrity special to launch it with a starfish winking Madonna performance. Now audiences aren't stupid? You have to create an extravaganza of biblical proportions: Raise a sunken cock, make it rain menstuation fluid, blow uranus, turn everything adjacent, bring every man back that ever tossed off Julius Ceaser, something that'll keeps the ratings up and won't just end up as a footnote to I LOVE 2008.

Once you got them, you can sit back while they build oddly shaped buildings in your honour and have strange conversations in there about what they think you would say without you actually been part of the exchange. Like they think you're omni-retarded.

Exercise divine muscle over everyone. Be the raging fuckin super-power. Burn, abuse, drown, kill, confuse, falter, starve, terrorise and then destroy with a knowing Baron Greenback like cat that jeers and sneers. Because you are God, you are all and all is worthless and you are worthless, powerless, useless, infertile, nothing.

Hi god, bet your feeling quite small right now but shit you have to cope with that kinda confused criticism. That and sceptics. People who just don't believe in a book you got some people to write that's not that entertaining, seems to drag alot and have too many supporting characters. I'm just saying for part two razzle it up a little, have an addiction an affliction, a clit ring accident, anything other than a good person. God, it's so dated.

See God everyone thinks they got an opinion. The best way to handle any God job is to be half arsed. Carelessness is the only way to go, ask em. They all watch us like we're entertainment, handing out floods and earthquakes while privatly having a increasing violent war with the other Gods about their 18,000 year popularity contest, madness, divine madness.

So watch ya waiting for?
It's ok, reelax this whole thing is all just a big computer game called First Life. Our simplistic human and animal creations and relative binary coded theorem of cause and effect conciseness was, is and will be acted out in our virtual constucted terraferma. Earth, or as the programmer calls it Bertha. Any hilarious and stupidly embarrassing events are captured and replayed on a behemoth sized God Tube for a gaggle of Buddha's to giggle at. Even our sky is a 500,000,000 mega-pixel photograph that shakes every so often to give the idea of perspective. You need to complete the guided tour of Milton Keynes, Microsoft Word and all of The Rock's "films" and then you'd become the next Quantum spiritual htmliio. Or have I have just being reading too much New Scientist backwards?

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