Sunday, 28 December 2008



So you’ve noticed you’ve been showering on a bed of finest follicles lately. Also your hair doesn’t seem, well, there! I think you’re going bald, oh, what, Shit! Shit yeah, boy, girl you’ve reached an important milestone in your life, and that milestone is slowly gathering concern and hair and wondering why someone chose it as a milestone instead of just a regular, common in garden rock.

But don’t worry, this is the 21st century not no 20th anymore matey, and if this guide won’t help you, I’ll eat your hat.

I do prefer pork pies.

Q&A (Conducted in an inner city pub)

I noticed you are, “a bald.”

Can I ask you some questions about your affliction?

Why does baldness exist, I mean, why?
I dunno, because it does. Why you asking me?

Why does it happen at the top, not, round the sides?
It’d look a lot less funny otherwise, fuck knows?

Do you have a contact for Mr Fuck?

Why, why does it happen more for men?
Periods. C’mon your one wid Degree in O-Levels.

So why does baldness affect the skull, an essentially desirable area not say, baldness of the ball sack or bum baldness?
Do I look like the type of person that’ll take you asking me these questions? Keep this up n I’ll skin yer. Student

Why, why, Y! Is there no cure for it considering its relative abundance and visual dominance, why is it considered a mockery, why, why?
Questions, bleeding questions. Do you want to die?

I am going to die but I don’t necessarily want to. Do balds want to, more than say Sparrows?
Just piss off!

Subject A:
I have a friend; let’s call him Desmond. See, Desmond was a rather unfortunate child, he was born in an area called Liver Pool, and therefore adopted its simply beautiful tongue. Desmond although unfortunate in geographical riches did posses gameful efforts at social interaction. Drawing comics of his classmates and talking at vigorous speeds, nervous, that they’ll never give him another moment of contact. Yet his enthusiasm and willingness was considered peculiar and he was mercilessly avoided by all girls and most boys. To combat these issues and be atone to Daniel LaRusso's heights he joined Karate classes. This helped alleviate some social pressures but may have aided to his baldheadedness at just 15.

To complicate matters Desmond had a large, some would say, bulbous head. Faced with the genetic swollen peculiarity of middle age in a swamp of fresh sprouting doos. Desmond retreated into the comfort of his comics while developing a peculiar gait for a certain demographic of ostrisised female.

Desmond still survives today, he didn’t murder or rape no one, but is understandably single. Yet he serves as a lesson to us all. Quite what that lesson is, is another story, almost certainly about a girl called Mergatroid Swampslit.

Receding ungracefully
People like Jack Nicholson, you like Jack Nicholson? You’ll be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn’t like Jack Nicholson, he’s Jack Nicholson. See Jack Nicholson, he’s receding in such a cool way even some men with hair want his baldness. It accentuates a gravitas, an unquantifiable intriguing cool.

He is the only one. Everyone else in the world pretty much looks aged, alarming or ridiculous. For example when you’re in an audience and someone in front of you is going bald, you get this inexplicable curiosity to understand it. It’s as though he is the only person lacking hair, ever. By the end you could give a better description of his follicle coverage than of the youthful event you paid 30 odd quid to see. But why are “they” so curious?

Male pattern balding is a misnomer of sorts. Scientifically it traditionally originates at the crown and temples and thusly spreads back until the Shakespeare moment. But not all men’s hair does it, just like that. Some leave little kiddy wisps. Others get a Steve McDonald, some slowly go back so that you’re just one big forehead iceberg tempting more and more drunk twats to slap it, chanting. “Ha, ha, ha, slaaap heeeaaaad.” In apparent hilarity.

Genetic maladjustment
See my own genetics are against me. I don’t have history of cancer or nowt grim like that. But there’s a bald, fat, theme running a muck. With probably some argued sense of alcoholism and misplaced delusion of amusement thrown in for good measure.

Saying that, what would people trade off if they had the chance? I’d personally be willing to lose a left hand or gain coupla-webbed feet to keep my hair. Maybe even have a series of gills and a beak, I mean, aren’t they more useful that demeaning? But just not my hair. I like my hair. Ok, You can have my arse, one ball and the regulated use of my left eye.

What the fuck am I talking about, who’s YOU? Some giant compost limb thing with miracle grow phlegm assessing each and everyone’s rights, yes?

Muhah ah ahhhhh
Lex Luther, Ming, Dr Robotnik, Dr Evil, Pinhead, Dr X Dr Frankenstein, Voldemort, and Professor Xavier, all bald, all preperposed to evil. But how evil are bald men. Very. A recent poll by ‘What? Bald’ concluded that in actual fact 87% percent of bald people are predisposed or have committed evil acts and are likely to cataclysmically affect world order if there was a gay looking, cape wearing super thing in the vicinity with similar urges to thwart 'em.

The other 13% thought that claim was ludicrous although incidentally noted all were preceeded by a flock of vampire monkeys.

"There will be no good wigs in the world." I know Andy Warhol put that into his will. Wigs are for individuals getting that desperate to have hair, you, look, stupid. Ok, ok there might be places with cosmeticists and doctors who can effortlessly remove what little warmth and beauty a poverty ravaged Eastern European can naturally acquire. Then stick and sew it onto the scalp of someone who can’t tell Europe from a Wotsit.

So what, he can afford it you might be thinking. Unless the client moves away, people might question the legitimacy of Randy’s thick flowing lion’s mane sporting a pretty Chechnyan bow. Maybe Randy’s just that kind of strong backboned, deeply self-conscious man who could ride the jokes about his women’s hair, those trout’s lips and that spanking set of bull’s balls, because he’s above all of that. That newly transplanted horse cock helps.

I don’t know about baldness ratios, hold on, Europeans are more prone to hair-loss. The Chinese and Japanese are the least affected yet right jammed in the middle is the Koreans, a nation of hideously thin hair. On the back of a crowded subway, on a good day you can see right through to the depressed, decidedly thinning driver.

People say we’re getting these mutations from our lifestyle, our diet of artificial chemicals and drugs. I say, probably, but if you want to live in a mud hut I’ll happily watch a five minute satirical mockumentary about you on my HD TV drinking distilled rum while an enhanced beauty lies naked goading me to snort chemically strained coca off their chest. But just before I bend my nostril I’d start to think if the world might have gone a different way if we generally avoided fucking with all our natural environment so much I wouldn’t be doing this, then laugh due to the naturally cultivated joint in my hand.

Shaven haven

What have Bruce Willis and Ross Kemp got in common? In real life they’re Anti Moby transvestites. True. Andre Aggassi, Patrick Stewart and Michael Jordan all (despite doctors recommendations) excessively indulge in anal skull penetration with barnyard animals.

There’s one other slight gaping void chasm of separation between ordinary people and us. They don’t have to worry about being attractive, having partners, dealing with the day-to-day problems of balding, living, shopping and catching up on all those mould universes in their dank homes. They’re celebrities, they’re rich, and they’re famous so what if they’re balding. Saying they’re inspiring examples to other people is a literal example of haze surrounding a smoke screen of blindness in the dark while watching the 80’s film The Fog.

“Brody the bear inspired me to achieve success. Making me understand that all I have to do is stand up on my hind legs and growl to be on the cover of National Geographic. I’ve quit the Genetic Science and now choose to roam Epping Forest, naked with a hunger for exposure.”

bald babes
Women and hair never can be separated, but when it is… There’s this, mine field of closed lip time bombs, all screaming don’t even go there girlfriend, don’t even, of pure avoidance. I have never heard one single woman ever on anything anywhere express anything in regards to themselves or other women going bald. It’s where taboo originated.

“Ta Boo for not mentioning nothing about nothing going nowhere just then”
“S’aw reet pet I didn’t even see a single thing except what should naturally be there, which I definitely did see.“

Ambassador google ga ga
That’s life. And what a fuck of an insult that is. It’s like going up to a hyper cripple spastic, cancer filled offspring of Mick Hucknall and saying, that’s life, get on with it weepo. But some people will look good bald, others won’t, some people should be glad they had it for so long others will no doubt erect dartboards and religiously aim for Russell Brand’s crows feet. Other people need to invest in either a suitable range of hats, sprays, creams, or get a large loan for elephant sunglasses. Regardless the world will keep turning, people will keep living and babies‘ll keep being bald ugly bastards.


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Anonymous said...


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Well you found it.

if you need to add it to owt.

We do not possess any mirrors due to our utterly hideous appearance combined with a dangerous vanity addiction.

Anonymous said...


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Can I use some of the information from this post above if I provide a link back to your site?



yes you can if you give me a link, sure.

Anonymous said...


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I hope one or both links work, they should do. Don't have any mirrored versions.

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