Friday, 9 January 2009



Fuck the Osbournes
The Royal Family. There’s not another family in the entire world that people have such vehement opinions of.

“An outdated middle aged institution that takes tax payers money and swans around the mah, mah, mah.”

“Isn’t it marvelous the way she serves our country and unites the Commonwealth, such a shining moral example to mahhhhhh.”

Ok, now look at it differently though. If you were a member of the Royal Family. Firstly, through no choice, you’re Royalty, like it or hump it you could have been born Edvard Chebanaza, ant number 12 or a ginger pube, but no you’re HRH and to not behead yourself shows an incredible tolerance. To be on show to the world’s media when you’re anywhere. To have red-breasted bear-skinned hat-toting soldiers swanning round you. To have formality thrust into your psyche. To wear mega crowns. To be unable to live a normal life. To live in Palaces and Castles with massive fuck off cannons.

She’s proper old, her husband calls her “cabbage.” She wears head to handbag to slip-ons in matching colours. She has questionable taste in dogs, four Dorgi’s, yes Dorgi’s. She bets a tenner on the horses. More private and enigmatic than Guantanamo Bay’s health spa . She’s as harmless as an armless Tony Blair, actually no he’s probably still quite dangerous considering that UN war keeping envoy role.

Posh Music?
God save the Queen, a fascist regime. In the root psychology of fascism I don’t suddenly picture a little old lady with no real power.
God save the Queen, she ain’t no human being. No a reptilian humanoid alien, extolling mystical car-crasher powers.
God save the queen, tourists are money. I have to agree with this one, they’re money, everyone hates them. Why does anyone even travel anywhere if this is so apparent? People will take advantage of you, despise you and wish you were never there.
God save history, God save your mad parade. It’s barmy and laughable and pompous, but worthy of further amusement no?


O Lord, our God, arise,
Scatter her enemies,
And make them fall.
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
God save us all.

The official version is downright merciless. We sound like brutes, Russian brutes, Russian God loving brutes.

Change the record

Prince Philip
Jim Davidson pah, Bernard Manning keep rotting, Prince Phillip is the funniest racist, bigot I’ve ever heard. The things he says have such comic brilliance he should be out of the palace and onto the pub stage. To be an ambassador to our country and actively insult it’s “servants” takes swollen gall and a malignant sense of humiliation. Him and President Bush must be having a word war.

“Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.” (During the 1981 recession)

“Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf.” (To young deaf people sitting close to a steel band)

“If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.” (At a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting)

He also said to Tom Jones after the Royal Variety Performance: "What do you gargle with, pebbles?”

Rest of them
Princess Anne’s an Olympic horse mad criminal with two offences, whom the film Patriot Games was based on. She can be called among many things Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter. Prince Andrew is a Royal International Arms Dealer. Managing to scoop 11 out of 13 countries currently engaged in conflict. Go Britain. Edward is one of those people you avoid because he’s too stupid; he’s drunk, high, gorging and infatuated with dimness. Don’t look for too long you might forget how to not look. And his wife Sophie was about as good at public relations as Chemical Ali was at not using chemicals.

William looks less like “dishy Wills” anymore and daily more like a cheese stuffed parrot chewing a bag of teeth. Charles is more into the countryside than the actual countryside is. Camilla makes me think Charles is accompanied by a scared, over-frothed cappuccino.

And Harry should have his own strip in the Beano. Harry the Menace. He’s grown up and well, gone a bit fascist. Harry like the Beano writers regretfully ponder to themselves alone wiping tears with white washed wank mags thinking “it seemed funny at the time.”

She did lots of things that helped the Royal Family become more up to date. How does fannying around, crying lots, marrying a jug eared mumbler, fucking Will Carling, filling up my TV with “portraits” of herself, getting mangled and making me miss a weeks television whilst praying for the death of a major song writing artist, help anything?

Picture on the paper
Anyway who else would go on our money, a pigeon, a hoodie, an androgynous multi ethnic human who hovers equidistant from all commonwealth countries, Gordon Brown, Jamie twatty Oliver, Simon bloody Cowell, two names that legally need an expletive inserted into them to ease public unrest. How about the entire cast of a drunk and drugged Pigeon Street, in a Ménage à dix-neuf with the overwhelmed cast of The Bill in Milton Keynes’ Chinese pagoda park. That’s not an image, that’s a movie.

I, like few others take comfort in a “pensioner” on my notes. It raises a polemic within myself. Shall I save my money like my Gran; oh look my wrinkly note is telling me “It is thrifty to prepare today for the wants of tomorrow.” Aw but wait a minute she’s wearing a bloody great crown of jewels, I need to spend these wealth bills. In a bid to find the answer I try and decipher the Latin with some Di Vinci Code model of scholarly effort eventually resorting to folding up my note to make the Queen’s face into a graphic depiction of the 7/7 bombings, using a Queen eyebrow as a tube train carriage. This doesn’t help buy Crunchies.

Liz don’t need so many homes, I mean she doesn’t do much other than travelling around the commonwealth and cutting ribbons. She should be moved into a travel lodge. Flexibility and free tea and coffee. Pensioner heaven.

It’s like those crowns, she don’t need all of those hats. She has a whole building, for hats and one head. Fred Dibner, the Earl of Derby, Slash and Top Cat couldn’t fill a corridor in this horde to magpies. Give one each to every country we brutally took over, pillaged resources from and abused the good nature of the peoples, and the rest, Wednesday night’s rollover jackpot.

World-class divinity
There's 21 Royal families in the world, if we got rid of the British Family, you know it wouldn’t be divisible by 7. Take the Thai Royal Family they are adored by millions, desiring them to divinely rule over them, huh. Divine rule. The Laotian Royal Family got sent to “Camp Re-education” in 1975, where quite peculiarly they died there. The Shah Dynasty of Nepal was cursed at its inception to rule for only ten kings and cease, and in 2008 it’s tenth king was the last. The Greek Royal family live in pigging London.

I’d be scared

Why are they always old, obsessive, blue rinsed and a drop of sherry in that Earl Gray, bourbon, Grans? Ladies that are simlpy orf, orf, orf machines. Lord Dubious of Unmentionable Fraudhire. And Nicholas Witchell

Past Kings n Queens
Vicious, vile, evil, cruel, crazy, megalomaniac, fascists.

D’you know who you descended from, no. No you don’t, your probably not Anglo Saxon, you’re probably more diluted that BBC 3’s one minute bulletin, cut short to show edited highlights of, ‘You are not an indigenous creature, Unleashed”

The Royal Family are no different: there’s German, French, Scottish, Russian, Spanish, Danish, and Belgium in there; and they’re only the one’s they admit to. But every so often there was probably a ginger Harry that was brushed into the blood punch. No one in Britain is pure, true and only British. As soon as the British population realise that and consider our stiff upper lip might be derided from our biting climate of negativity. Then we can see the Royal Family doesn’t stand for much, if anything. So look less in terms of, ours is theirs and more, they, are, ours.

So for £40m or 66p each taxpayer, a year they are yours; a surreal, historic, and completely ridiculous Royal Family, c’mon 66p, you can’t even buy a King size sausage roll for that.


robmacca said...

The Royal family are a bargain, especially now most of the "hanger's on" have to fund themselves.

The Queen deserves an OBE!

Sad Pedant said...

“If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”

Apparently, this is based on a Mandarin saying.