Tuesday, 3 February 2009


the economy

Economic miracle
“What! lo! Dawn hath led thou from once a most foul earth, maketh Gold. Behold! A miracle hath occurred… Or thy digged close to yonder gold mine. A miracle!”

Miracles are coincidence or luck, economic miracles are neither. Economic miracles are making something that some sod somewhere wants to buy and them buying it. If I sold almost all my lands to neighbouring countries, my country would have an “economic miracle.” My country would probably also be in a bloody civil coup trying in vain to puncture the parliaments gold walls and my powerful egocentric heart.

Modern economics
Men in stupid suits wearing even stupider construction jackets waving bits a paper shouting about numbers. Much more complicated. Putting all your trust and wealth in the hands of what amounts to be a rabble of coke enthusiasts on sat nav shortcuts to penthouse plaza’s; trying to make things go up and down so their killlionaire clients can keep buying goal scoring Brazilian rapists is a sensible and rational way to run a world. Too simple?

“What’s happening Phil?”
Phil Burdon is in peak puberty. He’s got urges puncturing his zip in 12 minute intervals. He’s in dogs-dinner lust over a black goddess, everyone adores her, they plough rich sweets into her hands, taking her places to no avail. She wants more; she wants everyone because soon, it’ll dry up.

Phil‘s also noticed a developing hairy situation. He’s unable to control spiraling manifestations down under that threaten to envelop everywhere. He can’t even save face, everywhere’s out of control busting and hemorrhaging his once smooth but now bloated blotchy face without pattern or need for all to see. Plasters don’t work; Nelly just isn’t that cool.

His head’s all over the shop, he wants one thing, next minute, hates it and dumps it, he has so many dirty secrets he needs someone to talk to but everyone he talks to tells him “it’s normal” and he “shouldn’t worry, it’ll all pass ,it’ll all get better,” but Phil thinks not.


(2001 theme tune) daaaa, daaaaaaa, Daaaaaaaaa, ECONOMY, Dum-Dum, Dum-Dum, DAAAAA, DAAAAAAAA, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, shit. A crash that nobody expected, sorry everybody expected but didn’t want to tell the economy cos he might get all mad. But now he’s out for blood, cutting and slicing main arteries, nerve centres without remorse, he doesn’t want blood anymore he wants Hitler’s lost ball.

The Golden days
When? The nineties? We can’t go back to the golden days, they say. People were skint since money began. There never was, is or ever will be a “golden day” unless everyone globally only used the word money in referring to an inconvenience in carrying so much of it, that it gave their pockets unflattering bulges.

Economic revolution
Presidents and Prime Ministers all think that the 21st century should be the start of a revolution in the economic sector but how would, or could it change? How can you change something that isn’t too bovved about wearing tie dye, singing poetry chanting all is one and one is all, monging to Tim Fuckley.

Spending culture
The continuing game theory culture of prediction, of desire, will and wants are still shitdiculous. The common individual can live roughly a 30,000%* percent more sustainable lifestyle if he didn't drink so much sugar coated shit and instead got his food from the ground rather than the mish-mash-mush machine. Fix stuff, open it up and poke, get a screwdriver and some chuddy and really fix that fucker. Buying summat because it's the slightly better one that you’ve already got, with a new light on it, n one of the buttons is over there is so earnest in conformity. But that wouldn't keep the cogs of industry going, noo that wouldn't make economies grow and grow exponentially till they need to invent consumers and economies and solar systems to keep its expanding waistline from an earth saturating numerical shower. You ever been impaled by a two?

* figure based on data published somewhere by someone about something

Us lot
What are people left with, well we’re all in debt so we’re all at the mercy of banks which are at the mercy of their stocks which is at the mercy of the stock market, so maybe if we all got bigger loans and bought cheapo stock the stock would eventually rise up, we could pay the banks our debts back the banks would have capital and we’d be back to square one. Other than a pigeon dish with replaced hips n mushy bees, I got nothing.

World economies
Everyplace has one, even Zimbabwe and Iceland, just. Some are not very good ones, Lau Island for instance supports itself by rudimentary genetic altering native cat populations to create a diverse and unique species of endangered bird-mogs that tourists flock to see and shoot with mouse bullets.

Off the books
When you’re young and your dad tells you about the black market, you think, that’s magitastical! Thing is you can’t really get there cos it doesn’t exist. I assumed it would be a dodgy wonderland of deals and great great things beyond the realms of conceivable greatness. The reality’s, a bunch of scalls trying to palm off soiled Calvin Klein jeans in the pub which leaves you less in awe, more intimidated and poor.

Betty boobs
The depression was for one person at least an idealistic tale of wonderment. People riding on trains to get work, everybody on the same level, poor but singing songs and working the land in collective vision. The 20’s so I’m reliably informed was a tad tougher. Starvation, desperation, unrest, apathy while clinging onto awful work at disgraceful pay just to survive. So if it ever happens again we should probably not really think of the latter much, just get some angst ridden dystopian lyrics scribbled down, and that Nigerian tour. Y’know getting paid in uranium isn’t so bad.

The economy isn't even funny, never has a joke, doesn't just move everything up one on Thursday for a laugh. Doesn’t even make its numbers into a pattern that can be read backwards revealing inescapable crudity for shits and gigs, not once. It's so serious; it needs a funny hat.

Did you hear?
So stuff the weather for mundane generalised conversational bile. I could have never have envisaged the day Doris lent over.
“Ow y’know that economic slowdown, isn’t it awful?”
“It is, it is. Just last week the Nikkei slumped! To a low. Not since Bernard was alive has it bin so bad.”
“I tell you last week I was picking up my suppositories which have gone up and I saw Mavis. She said it wasn’t the same as last time it crashed. I asked her how? She said they didn’t have those pyramid bags then. She said that she can relax more with those, it’s so true.”

“Bit gloomy today?”