Friday, 24 April 2009


HOW DO YOU DO... fags

"We want to help you"

What? If vilifying large groups of society for no reason, ostracising them to the cold climate, bombarding them with nightmarish obscene imagery of cancerous lungs and diseases while already threatening them with death, illness and deformed babies and, AND charging those people more and more money for the privilege of doing that sounds, like a heap of help. Sounds like an invasion of our civil liberties to live, without judgment. Considering the smoking masses make up 1.1 billion of us or 17% of the worlds population. I think that makes a pretty strong, probably not healthy, minority.

Cigarettes will kill you

Really? no seriously, blow me over with a revelation, Fucking goldfish remember that smoking kills. It’s like saying tomorrow we forecast a fair amount of gravity or next week you’re gonna need to breathe a bit of that air stuff. It translates into now we are all aware, we are knowing fools.

But in relative terms there’s a lot of things we ingest that’ll could kill us off swifter: plastics, pollution, GM foods, crazy cows, air, and water? But there are no warnings or adverts about those. So in government terms they don’t need to worry about it, that is, until anyone finds out.

You smoke?

Why, why don't you quit, you'll be healthier, you'll save money, you won't smell bad.

I thought about the health thing. You know when you wheeze a bit cos you had to sprint to catch the ice cream man selling not just ice cream. If you smoke you look at those people all super fit jogging around, pacing and burning while hitting some walls. What you don't look at is their surrounding facile lives, waking up early to some bench presses, drinking lakes of water, cucumber snacks, living in the gym, working in an office, having a beautiful girlfriend, buying expensive clothes, no, no wait deeper into that. You couldn't do that because, it's too much. Too styled and fleeting and replicated innumerable times, city, country and world over. But if you jog a bit you might not eject ectoplasm in response to "So how are you today?"

You'll save money. If you smoke cigs, you'll save heaps. I smoke rollies, rollies cost nowt. I 'd save six quid a week, six quid for a pleasure, shit I can afford it, I spend more on crisps, chocolate, fast food and cans of pop. So it won't change me, that’s the angle I blow in your failed face.

So I smell bad, do I? I probably do. To everyone else, a smoker smells like old bonfires, which might be a positive. After they banned smoking in pubs and clubs, everything smelt rank-dank. Smokers smothered everyone into happy ignorance, the government made you face up to the stale funk you spent your week working to get in to, la lovely labour.

Endangered puff

So we've been kicked out of offices and pubs and stages, bus shelters and near food, rented houses and toilets, on banjos, and around toucans at 2:35pm. At least with heroin it's accepted you can shoot up in fast food toilets. Try smoking, they’ll do ya a new arsehole.

People don't want things back to the 1960's. People want rationality because if you haven't noticed yet, pubs aren't health spas. Having a ventilated area in a pub for smokers would make more sense than turfing them out onto the street. Having equality in warnings on products would help.

That painstakingly over thought water beaded glass filled with ice-cold, filtered, beer with a angled mirror attached reflecting the tired yellowed dribbling drunk sitting in a corner that you may become? Fast food queues with live feeds of the greasy spot-popping teens fondling your Mc Fresh meals? Pornography, maybe we should leave pornography. Radio 4 broadcasted with live audience participation, burying in bury, at Radio 4’s hearse-show.

Smoking isn't cool

It isn't un-cool. Whining about someone smoking nearby is. Faking coughing is. Moaning to a friend about their health is.

Smoking isn't clever

It depends. If you want to end your life a bit sooner. If you want to enjoy booze to it's fullest breathe-drink-congratulate.

Boring butts

Clouds are different colours, drugs are different colours, socks are different colours, so why do fags always look white with ginger bloody woodchip? Why not rainbow phallic sticks to be down with the gay community. The kids need to coordinate their tabs with their trainers, do summing!

Another thing, flavour. Tootie gin chimneys, or steaming monkey brains, fizzy jizz juice? Walkers do it. While we’re at it. Companies make smells smell different that’s why I want to drink my shower gel, also why I like to suck my ibuprofen a bit too long and why I got mildly hooked on cough syrup. Health, you can make fridges healthy, cars less bad, just make cigarettes good for you then you can sit back and chew your tobacco till the sponsorship comes home. Brands, fag brands have such old man pub names The Regal, The Embassy, the Dunhill or chatty mag names like escort, prima, horizon, kool, more, moon. We’re not all racing post, pint of mild, slug-slurey, men or look at these burnt, wrinkle ridden, sag-city, ex-breasts women. So how’s about these:

Suck and fuck corkscrew shaped, blistering red coloured sucking the taste of sweat from a moist shaven hole.

Zompertrons unable to smoke without five friends due to its do-deco-rhombus shape, smells like blue lasers and has the flavour of iconic eighties movies of a sci-fi genre, called Tron.

Whiz blow contains 1% tobacco and is sold exclusively in corners.

If you must

If you want to quit, which you probably should eventually then there are a stupid amount of ways in which you could: gum, lozenges, sprays, inhalers. Antidepressants, injections, hypnosis, herbal preparations, acupuncture, help group, quit meters, books, smokeless tobacco, aromatherapy, electronic cigarettes, herbs, some are more loopy lou like a vaporizer, spirituality (cos god was a 20 a dayer) and laser therapy.

The big choice

The tradition of havin’ a fag originated with the Mayans and Aztecs. Curiously at the same time they were also getting pretty fuct up on magic mushrooms and the sinicuichi plant, two rather more hallucinogenic drugs.

So we got mushrooms, not addictive, makes you laugh and see n think crazy . This sinicuichi plant you drink and get happy drunk in a sort of yellow echo. Tobacco you get addicted to which makes you feel a bit relaxed and it can kill you.

Woaw, yeah, wooooo! Good choice forefathers, inciteful.

Ban! ban! ban! then?

So society makes criminals out of recreational drug users, has planned to make it impossible for the sale or affordable consumption of cigarettes (effectively banning it), alcohol's next with binge drinking offers stopped, greater taxes. What will be left for our population to do? Drink caffeine free redbulls in the park smoking portable i-shisha's avoiding born again atheists.

I got the 1p flight booked.

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